4.

im in love with you boy.

thank you for everything.

we had your aunts and uncles come over for dinner like usual for birthdays and we had fun!
mahmee even baked her first cake for you and decorated it herself!

i wont lie...i snuck into your room later and smooched on you. my newly 4 boogy.

here is the cake! i worked so hard! even used a cupcake for the ears :)

we called you out to see and yuou just hid your face...it made you SO happy you almost cried.

your reaction made me teary as we sang to you. im so so smitten babe. thanks for being the julian to me :)

love you sunshine!

remembering your birth!

here are some of the posts from your birthday to my friends as i reminisced about bringing you into the world :) just some funny little tidbits. obviously the event was much too exciting and emotional to bare in such a public forum. but ill tell you all about it later. its one of my favorite days.

27 hours of love and it was worth every second.

1pm
4 years ago, at this very moment, I was counting contractions every 5-8 minutes. So so close! As Jamie Backer worked away the day, I sat there in my sisters house, on a yoga ball, eating cereal as my "last meal" and watching cesar milan on animal planet, hoping that horrible ice wouldnt prevent us from getting where we needed to go and wondering, what would he look like? What would he be like? Who is he?
:)

10pm
POP goes the water....
in just a few minutes it will have been 4 years since my and Julian's water broke after the first 9 hours of our grand adventure! 
not wanting to worry my Chad and Chelsea about it, i sat in the bathroom, waiting for an unsuspecting Jamie, just out of work, to come get me so we could head out to see where we were at in the whole thing. I had specifically not told jamie what was happening that day, as i didnt want him hurrying to me while the roads were so dangerous. as i waited I wondered "what is taking him so long?" Little did I know he stopped to buy me flowers just because i was big, fat and pregnant :]
i am pretty sure i ruined and/or stole more than one of Kimber-Leigh 's towels that night. and for that i am sorry.... :)

Its 12:55am today in 2008, and we arrived just a little bit ago to the birthing center. I have a band on my wrist and am resting uncomfortably in a bed. They put those big bulky disks across my midsection to check on us and I hear the heartbeat of my boy, as well as my own, for what will be one of the last times before both of our hearts come out into the world to live outside my body for all time.
What a wicked cool experience.
They tell me "oh, you're about a 1 and a half ish."
Ain't nothing but 8.5 centimeters between me and jamie and meeting our son.
"You're doing greeeeeaaat" he said.
"Its not that much more to gooooo" he said
"You'll have that baby soooooon" he said.
"I'm sure it'll pick up real quicklyyyy" he said.

...

Its 1040 in both 2012 and 2008. 
In 2012, my boy is still sleeping and dreaming.
In 2008, my boy was still inside of my persons.
They check again; I am at about a 6. I'm feeling defeated at its length, and I'm losing steam. The nurse urges me to drink some sprite for a pick me up. I want to punch her!
Christopher is whispering something...I want to punch him. Kimber-Leigh is smarter and hasn't said a word in in the last 8 hours and Jamie at one point falls asleep on the floor briefly. I also wanted to punch him. Our families had arrived earlier in the morning and are in the waiting room, and ill be keeping them waiting for awhile.

Note: no one was actually punched in the delivery of this child.

Its 1:11pm in 2008, and I've been at this for 24 hours. I'm at about a 7.5 now... And the anticipation is building. Jamie Backerand Kimber-Leigh May are keeping me sane and focused. #1birthingteam.
Not much longer?


4:15pm. 
4 years ago right now..id been pushing for 75 minutes.

I remember so clearly thinking

"This happens so much faster in the movies."

1639pm. 
7#5oz. 
19.5 inches. 
a massive head. 
and loved more than anything has ever been loved in the history before him. 
i have never been able to explain completely the love and adoration i have for this little soul mate of mine. wont stop me from trying.
Julian, I cant imagine my world without you in it, nor remember what it was like before you. i will never forget the way i felt knowing that daddy was the one i picked for you, and when we learned you were there. i wont forget the details of the days leading up to you being with us, or any of the times after. you make me the best person i could possibly be. i will try every day to be better for you, to learn from you, to be everything you deserve, need, want.
youre amazing, and i am SO thankful for the last 4 years.
happy birthday buddy.
im amazed by you.

something daddy recently posted :)

Jamie:

My house is messy. I couldn't care less right now because I'm sitting here in absolute awe of 3 incredible examples of how life should be lived... Tells me this messy environment is doing something right:)

Maya, 10 months in and hasn't stopped smiling since coming home. She said her first word today and her first step is coming soon.

Julian, 4 years tomorrow and my lord what a beautiful soul... Kind, courteous and oh so intelligent; he's our greatest accomplishment thus far! He's beginning to become his own little self and his true personality is shining through.

Then there is Rachel...
I sit here in amazement as she nourishes Julian's brain by teaching him card games while nourishing our daughter (pumping but that in itself is another thing I admire)... She's truly the cornerstone of our incredible unit and she claims she couldn't do it without me... Lol as if she, not I am the one who won the life-partner lottery. Her endlessly kind heart and limitless love for those close to her are such an inspiration to me.

We got it good over here even if the laundry hasn't seen the inside of a dresser drawer for a month:)

a Hey Stranger Backer Christmas!

you babies will quickly learn how much daddy loves christmas. 

so we decided to mix mommy's Hey Stranger in with Daddy's love for Christmas! 

we made holiday boxes of treats for firemen working on the holiday. they dont get to be with their families because they are protecting us, so we brought some love to them! boy were they happy!

confetti cupcakes, brownies, chocolate chip cookies! oh my!

we made 4 dozen cookies, a pan of brownies, and 2 dozen cupcakes (and we somehow managed to eat only like 8 of those items! with 2 going to santa of course!)

here are some from our family bakefest!

my SonShine and me.

Daddy and Mumma

Mumma and Maya

thumbs up!

notes inside the gift boxes the treats will go in!

its getting there!

the note julian helped me write for santa clause. :)

27 acts of kindness.

On twitter recently, a woman named ann curry called for action, and encouraged so many people to do 27 acts of kindness, one for each of those hurt in sandy hook.

While hey stranger came about before sandy hook, this incident has touched me and broken me, and it feels only fitting to assign a memoriam to each hey stranger we do.

Today we did 2: one was sending letters to newtown, baba helped color pictures with caitlin and lilah, and we send them tomorrow!

Then we headed to the humane society. Adoptions for cats are only 12$ right now on special, so we paid one of the adoption fees for a sweet ole gal named I will call "sweets". She's 11 and she is so tender and kind, I wished we could have had her. The next best thing is making her free for when her forever family comes looking to adopt her. And what a treat that will be for them both!
Ill be thinking of you sweets! Aunt kimmi will let us know when she finds her new family! :)
This will definitely be a tradition when we have more money to our name. But for now, God sent us today to help Sweets, and help her we did! :)

Thanks for being my partners in kind.
Love you guys!

Before I sleep

Before I sleep I come in every night and give you a kiss on your perfect cheeks before I go to bed.
I ask also "show me how to be a better mother to him tomorrow".
As you grow I have to grow. You're changing and while most of me must remain the same, I must change and flourish as well so that you might.

Man I hope I do right by you.
I love you so much sunshine.

Traditions

Since you were born and as you get older i seek out traditions we can have, that even when youre older and you want to play sports or hang out with friends, we can have a guaranteed time that we come together...as a whole family, as mommy and son, as daughter and mom, daddy and son, daddy and daughter...etc. just special things that no one can take from us, no matter what life brings. :)

some that ive thought about are:

toys for tots during the holidays

making ornaments for the christmas trees

family portraits every year for mothers day (takes the pressure off of gift giving, but dont worry, ill accept ceramic handprints, heartfelt letters and drawings for as long as you make them!)

you shopping with me and or dad to buy maya gifts and vice versa.

a family blazer game every year.

coffee dates (right now its hot chocolate and chocolate milk for you mister, but one day itll be coffee :) )

hmmm what else? there will be more to come im sure.
:) but its a good starting place dontcha think?

Ornaments!!

painting ornaments with me!

Keemy and i made ornaments out of some simple ingredients (equal parts cinnamon and applesauce, baked at 175 for 2 hours) and then you and i painted them together, picking certain ones to pain certain ways for certain people. such a big heart!

looking forward to making ornaments each year!

Share Jar Day! with daddy!

my last post was somber and very solemn.

such a horrible thing to happen in our great nation...in our great world...in our great gifted life. 

but I blogged to you about it because it is not something your small lives and hearts can contain. your small beings and big lights are too fragile for the horror that is Sandy Hook, so when we discussed our sadness with you we simply explained that there were a lot of sad children because of a bad man.  we considered these words carefully, for we WANT you to live in Hope and Positivity and His Light, and create your own, but we also want you to be aware that there is some bad, so you can avoid bad things and not be too naive. we did not go into detail, and we only touched on the sadness briefly before changing the subject. 

well today daddy had a rough day, he seemed very out of it, sad. this week in all of its events and the work week in general kind of got to him, so i decided it must be a share jar day. usually I do share jar with you while daddy works, so i thought he'd enjoy to be there with you. i asked you what you wanted to do with the money, thinking that youd automatically pick the Humane Society like always. but no. your response was sweet and tender. "I want to give it to the childrens." my heart smiled and wept at the same time. how tender you are. 

so we decided to do both. we decided that you and i would sit down and color pictures for the childrens (basically their families and surviving children) and then find a cause donating to them directly. and we would go to the humane society anyway to donate 1/2 of your money (in reality, ill just give you 2x as much :) so we could see the doggies and kitties and aunt K. 

so we went and there was a christmas tree, kind of like the toys for tots giving tree, and there were pictures with things the humane society could use on the back. i read them to you and you chose Hot Dogs, cheese in a can (they use it to cover us the taste of medications so the animals will take the pills they need to take after procedures) and wet food, which is used for the super young cats and the sickly ones. we traveled to walmart right down the road and you picked those things out, as well as a couple tennis balls for the dogs. it was amazing; even though we spent 6$ on these  animals (that damn cheez whiz was half of that :) you felt like you gave them the world. we went back to the humane society and you got to see the kitties and doggies. i love that you get to SEE the difference you make, and i love that by doing it in person, you get to have that memory of impact. 

you set a couple of the things down with pride; how could i NOT take a picture?

this is a plaque at the humane society. i think it fits. we shall always take in those tired and poor and give them rest in human ways, while they also get their Divine Rest as well.

also this isnt relevant but i started a shopping list earlier and you found it and wrote this on the bottom. you asked me to write spiderman (you dressed in all spiderman today...2 spiderman hats (one beanie and one on top) a spidey shirt, spidey jacket and spidey shoes...and we cant forget your spidey underpants!) then you asked for the pen while i got dressed to leave...and later i found it, you wrote your numbers and "spidr" and up top is my favorite "momy i <3 p="p" u="u">

you bless me with your heart, your love, your everything. 

thank you, thank you. 

i'll leave you and anyone passing through with this thought that i subscribe to when it comes to raising you to be Light. its my hope that i succeed in always involving you, and not just settle for telling. i love you Julian.

i wish i could take this away...

i wish i could take away this last week.
wipe it away from history, from memory, from existence.
for many reasons which i will explain in a moment.

number 1: i wish i didnt have to tell you, or you find out. i wish that this didnt have to be a reality that infiltrates your lives.

ill be brief, as details arent important to my message to you.

my sweet beautiful children. you are good in this world. you are, as you sit right now, caring loving individuals. Julian - you earn money for your share jar, and you give it! to the human society for the kitties and doggies to "have treats and toys" or to buy sister presents for the holidays. you GIVE. you havent asked to use the money for you and i love that you understand we GIVE that money. you help me color pictures and cards for soldiers deployed overseas. you accompany me on various trips and you ask questions about the things we do for others.
Maya - you are so small, yet i see in you a growing good. your favorite things are pacifier (bebo), your milks, and toys...and you readily share them. you hold your bebo to me and put it in my mouth, you offer to share your milks, you give me your toys. i see in you a learning of "here...have this!" and im so amazed. i know as you grow older this will be cultivated into pure loving kindness.
i see amazing things in you. and it isnt just you. Yesterday Daddy dressed up as Santa and volunteered at an Easter Seals event for children with disabilities and those in therapy. He colored with them, talked to them, listened to them. He was their light!

the part that is hard, is that while there is good in this world, there is also bad. and sometimes bad things happen in such a large capacity that we hear about the bad things much more than the good.
turn on the news any day fo the week and you hear of the bad, the negative, the horrible...and every now and again something good will be highlighted, but the overtones are all tragic. its my wish for you that you only watch the news when its important...otherwise youll just get sucked in.

but this week, when some of the world celebrated the miracle that is hanukkah, there has been tragedy.
to put it shortly: a bad man walked into our local mall, and took 2 people away from their family members. and then he took himself.
days later, another bad man took 26 people away from their families, and 20 of them were little ones. and then...he took himself.
another man entered a hospital across the country, and hurt 3 people...but those people are going to be okay.
the how, the why...not as important as the fact that it is what it is. there is hurt all around us right now...and people are scared and pained.

i tell you this knowing you wont read it until youre older...but all i could do was hug you yesterday, kiss you and tell you repeatedly the things i say t you on a regular basis...you are my world...i love you...you mean everything you me, you made me a better person. you gave me life and before you i dont have many memories. you brought me LIGHT! and i know you will bring forth life and light to others.

I also wish i could just bring those precious ones back. all of them. i wish that i could go back to before this happened...and save not only those that were hurt so badly...but the one who did the hurting. id want someone to save them. id want someone to save this from happening. so much hurt!

i want you to not have to see this. i want to protect you. i want to make this world better so that when you are 26 and your babies are sleeping...you dont have to worry and fear and feel this heaviness about things.

i promise you, my loves, i am doing everything i can to give you a world you can believe in. im doing all i can to give other people hope and faith in humanity.
im living "Tikkun Olam" as best as i possibly can and im doing my best to raise you that way.
sometimes when you hear these horrors its easy to feel small and insignificant. but i promise you i will highlight the good in this world, even at the risk of being obnoxious. i will give you a reason to hope and dream and smile.

and i will do my best to raise you with confidence and happiness and love and morals and hope.
i wont waste my moments with you.
i will spend my days showing you light and love and kindness, and holding you accountable for anything less.
its hard to come to grips with things that happen these days. we strive to make sense of things that cant be made sense of. we want to find answers to questions no one should ever have to ask. theres so much hurt...all we can do is be light, so that darkness will be abolished.

this is mighty emotional for me to write, my loves. so i will have to continue this later.
know that all i hope for you is love and goodness. i want you to feel love and goodness, be love and goodness and give love and goodness.

i hope daily i can be that for you.

family :)

a good ole hanukkah blazer game! this will be our second annual hanukkah game! im hoping it becomes as tradition as mumma and daddy's birthday blazer game date :)

i love seeing the big blazer menorah and the rabbi and some others dancing around it to dreidel dreidel dreidel! :) (also i found really awesome hanukkah cards and a cool hanukkah puzzle on sale for cheap and picked them up for hanukkah gifts!)

you dont understand the holiday yet, and as you get older you will learn more and more about these holidays, Hanukkah, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and even others we dont hear about very often and you will forge your own way! im very excited to have deep spiritual discussions with you...tell you my stories and my heart, and hear what you have on your own heart.
As Gandhi famously once said when asked if he was a Hindu, “Yes I am. I am also a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist and a Jew.”

for now ill be brief in my words about my exact beliefs, but never hesitant in saying the Great One loves us...and gives us love and shows us love and is there. there will NEVER be a shortage of stories of His Great Love being showered uipon us. We are blessed and He is good! i hope that i Live that example in front of you EVERY DAY. He chose me to show you His love, and HOW to love, and to love endlessly and tirelessly and happily. and i am trying my dears!

more on that later :)

for now...here are some fun shots from the game!

you made a sign for lamarcus, one of our favorites! (and his middle name is nurae, if i forget to tell you...:))

you guys get really into it! you scream things just like daddy...but you truly know! you say "go get it! take it to the hoop! come on guys come on guys!" so so so cute.

 oh mummy and daddy love each other...and we love you!

 i posted this purely because narae looks angry.

 intentionally blurry :)

 my girl! and my boy!

:)

you do this CRAZY dance thing. you get very into it and excited...asnd its very strange like trance lol.

 awwwww my handsome!

 maya LOVES to look at daddy

 the only way i get pictures is if i do funny faces. ill take it :)

 THIS was unprompted. unsolicited. Julian just LOVES his sister and she loves him! she reaches for his hands and he loves to gve her gentle kisses. pure love. i just burst!

 the one up there? thats my FAVORITE.