funny boy.

you do some things sometimes that just make mommy LAUGH.

i just spent a few minutes looking for a few cards that i set out to write on.

i found them where i usually find the things i lose: on the other side of the baby gate that we put up on the stairs.
you always put mommys things there. especially shoes or things i seem to need right away.

today you went and saw Boppa and Gramma.
Boppa has cancer, but boy does he love you! he just wanted to hold you and hold your hand and talk with you. you got to see Nonny Frascha, Kimmi, Drunkle and Gramma K. and gramma red hair!

you love to wear my watch, and you are getting good at calling it a "pretty".


you make silly faces now, squinty eyes and BIG close lipped grin.

and today you made the LONGEST monsser face ever, breathign heavily long after i started laughing. you are such a ham, i think you love to make people laugh.


right now you are laying on daddy sleeping with him.

you slept for a grand total of 20 minutes today and were so tired and ornery!

i am madly in love with you baby boy.

thank you for being smily and lovey. im proud of everything you do and all that you are.

:]

im sorry

bubba, mommy and daddy shouldnt have fought in front of you.

mommy gets so worried about risks.

driving with someone who has been drinking is a no no.
when in the water, lifejackets!
seatbelts always and helmets too.

it may seem silly, but i hope you never have to understand it.


i love you boy.


now off for another trip to the wal mart for diaper genie :]

most terrifying week ever.

oh baby boy.

tuesday was so scary; momma hasnt been able to sleep ive been so worried.

since sunday night ive gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep it seems.

you are on medicine and every three hours we give tylenol or motrin to make sure the fever doesnt come back.

you are crying and cranky, and while you get up and play for a bit, you then want to cuddle and you cry because you cant tell me whats wrong.

you scared mommy and daddy so badly.

i cant believe we almost lost you.
ill never really know how close we came, and i think i dont want to. what matter is you are here.
you sleep with us right now; i have to have you close to me.

your fever has stayed low if at all, and you are coughing and sneezing still.
you seem much better, which is odd because you are still sick.

i love that you know im your mommy, and you know how much i love you.

how close we came to losing you, seeing you not breathing and blue, really puts life in perspective.

i want to make life the best for you.
i have been pondering going to college, or just what to do when i dont work at the tmobile place anymore.

May 1st is my last day at tmobile. i will get to spend some time with you.
work makes me so anxious. its hard to go.
but i am happy baby.

and Tuesday, when i had to give you those little breaths, when i heard you cries, oh baby it just made me realize life isnt promised. its gifted to us.
you are my most precious gift. you and daddy and any other brothers and sisters that we get to have for you.

you are precious baby and i want to make you proud.

how can i physically explain how much i love you so that you always know, even when i am not here to tell you?
by my love. my actions. my kisses and hugs.

you're beautiful son. and i am SO proud of you. you are a fighter, a trooper, and you can do anything.

be happy love. be so happy.

i look at you with the same love, but with more appreciation for everything.

the way you say "uh!" when you want up, and then you curled up on my chest and fell asleep today, made me feel that connection we have, that soul mate connection.

you are my soulmate. you are my sunshine.
you are my everything.

i love you.

sweet sweet boy.

today was a hard day.

for days you have had an on and off fever.
doctors told us it wasnt too bad a sign as long as you were your normal self.
you acted normal and happy. until last night. fever spiked and you wouldnt eat or drink. we put you in light clothing and you again slept with us.
i am SO glad you did.

this morning around 1000am you woke up and i sat up. i cleaned the nasties out of your eyes while you cried; they were so bad your eyes could barely open.
i leaned to the floor to pick up a diaper and sat back up to change you when i notced you change.

you stared off to your right and started twitching, your right side in rhythmic movements.

my sweet perfect angel was having a seizure. i knew right off the bat it was from the fever, but i still freaked. i screamed for Angela who came in and saw you. she grabbed her phone and called for the paramedic doctors to come get you. after you stopped shaking mommy noticed you weren't breathing, and your lips were now blue. your eyes weren't moving or even blinking and your entire body was completely limp.
i picked you up and you flopped over, nothing in your little body. my first thought is you were choking on your nasties. i pumped your belly a few times and nothing came up but spit. it occurred to me that you couldnt breathe.

mommy laid you down on the ground, lips still blue and no breaths and i pinched your little nose and breathed into you, one, two, three times. i was praying and begging so hard, and out loud, "God dont take him from me" you're my baby, my sweet sweet baby boy. and my heart broke in two as i breathed for you.

i heard a sputter, a cry, a whimper and you started moaning, still burning up. Nanny came and started taking off your clothes to cool you off, and your diaper. i rolled you onto your side and you didnt move just kept moaning. your voice was the sweetest sound, and i was so so relieved you were breathing. the paramedic doctors came in soon, and they put you in the big ambulance car.

we met daddy at the hospital. baby boy i was right with you the whole time.
the doctor told us you had a febrile seizure, a fever seizure. your fever had shot to over 105 degrees. its like cooking chili. if you turn the burner up to 9 without letting it warm up, it can burn fast. and your fever went real high real fast.
you would be okay, and they would give you medicines.
you had a chest xray which told us that you had bronchitis and the dcotr saw you also had 2 ear infections. we have to make sure you are okay with your nasties and keep you propped up so you dont choke on your ickies.

we have you home now, and boy baby you are tired.

im going to hold you until the cows come home, and then longer. screw the cows.

we are still praying. God is good and you are here with us. i thank the lord for every moment with you.

you were so strong and so tough; i am SO proud of you. my sweet sweet baby boy.

everything is going to be all right.

i love you JudeBug.
my julian.
my sunshine.

sickly boy.

you finally got sick.

not that i wanted it, but you have done so well with your immune system you never get sick.

yet while you avoid all illnesses of mom and dads, you picked right up on your baby friends illness, and are sick.

snot all over, crusty nose, runny eyes and eye boogers.
you are coughing and full of cuddles.

its the middle of the night and you woke up sad.

but youre okay bug.

you say "blazers" now. which makes mom and daddy happy!

you still say daddy but wont say mommy, you stuck with momma and i have no say :]

i made you two books today; aunt kimmi showed me how.
one is of dinos and one of monsters.

im proud of you baby; you are learning every day. today you put away my shoes in the closet :] you help clean and are so sweet with your spontaneous mommy and daddy kisses. i love you julian, and you are my sunshine, my soulmate.

feel better bigga.

my baby!

Great Grandpa just passed away and mommy took you to california to see nana and aunties. you got to meet auntie kayla! and see aunt Jorden. you met Aunt Jessica too!

im so proud of you. you LOVE basketball.
in california there are lots of bball hoops on garages and you said ba-ball everytime you saw one. you pointed at the guitars are Phils and said "daddy" because you remembered daddy has guitars!

you sure are catching on to everything.

you LOVED the slides. kept calling them WEEs!

you say so many things and you understand what we say even if you cxant say it.
if i tell you "take the remote to daddy" you get the remote and take it to daddy. how blessed are we to have such a great little boy.

another ear infection and 6 teeth still coming but you're doing amazing.

im SO proud of you baby.


you.are.my.soul.mate.