date night!

tonight, we had a date.
i would have taken a picture of us, but i definitely leave my phone in the car or at home when we venture for dates. its not fair to you!
it was incredible to have bonding time. you resist if i ask you for one. and usually ask for daddy and maya to come, or for just a boys day with daddy, but today you were alllll miiiine.
here are some lovely things that make me smile from tonight, and this week:

i started my ASL class today, and already you have learned some of the numbers! so smart! your favorite is the number ten so far, you hold up your thumb and shake it all around!

Mahmee: who is my Son?
Julian: ME!
M: who is my Daughter?
J: Maya!
M: right!
J: and who is your baby?
M: maya is my baby, and you. youre still my baby boy.
J: no mahmee, its daddy. daddy is your baby. i hear you call him that sometimes.

:)

ah i love it!

the other day we walked to safeway. you and i are learning about sometimes and all the times foods. you chose a healthy snack of beef jerky. i also told you in the past that maya does not eat the foods you do right now, but she will when she is bigger. so to test you i asked "will you share your jerky with maya?" you giggled and then exclaimed loudly for all to hear "No mahmee!!! Maya only needs to drink your boobie milk!" it was sweet to hear things from your point of view.

this week you asked daddy how babies get inside tummies. daddy deflected very nicely. when you realize that...we're gonna have to explain it. we are working on speeches right now. :)

you walked out today and said "daddyyyyyyy" in a concerned voice (you often mix up our names) i responded "yes? whats wrong?" "nothing. i love you." then you turned around and walked away.

youve been acting differently lately. very emotional, and kind of rebelling. we have started giving you more choices to feel more in control "do you want us to have chili for dinner or chicken?" and you get to pick. "do you want a sleepover on our floor mattress or sleeping in your big bed?" "do you want milk or juice?" its been working well and weve had less fights. sometimes i forget youre 3. and sometimes i forget youre smarter than the average 3 year old. you need to be an equal contributing force in our life sometimes. and other times...you need to be 3.
im learning baby. thanks for being patient.

youre my everything, thank you for loving me. im so much better for it.

time for sleepover!
 imma go cuddle your sister after i kiss you goodnight.

i love you boogs.

Cranky boy today

You've had a rough day for some reason.
And we haven't been bonding like normal.
You needed space. You needed alone time.
But you bet your booty I came in when you were sleeping to see my sweet boy.
Miss you while you sleep. Rest up baby boy.

oh what a memory :)

you got so angry at me when i walked in. 

you did your token "moooahhhhhmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

that you always do when i get under your skin :) 

i love you booger.

so proud.

i had my surgery yesterday. pretty minor stuff but i felt SO hurty afterward.
the doctor took out the tumor that was hurting me, and we are going to test it.
i feel confident we will be okay. God is good!
anyhow.
after i got home you ran to me and told me you missed me.
this means a lot.
i love your small proclamations.
its my biggest hope you always run to me, you always tell me how you feel about me, and you are always open with me!

the other day you decided to tell me you had 2 girlfriends, juliet and delilah, our friends. i giggled.
the next day, you told me you were goign to have a boyfriend.
the next day you ifnromed me that you were not ever going to get married because "i am a boy."
its so funny. you are learning to communicate more and talk about whatevers on your mind. sometimes this gets us into trouble and arguments lol but sometimes, i just feel so honored you trust me and dont have any negative thoughts about it at all.
you arent afraid to tell me things and i LOVE that.

be who you want baby.
i love you.
all of you.

LOVE :)

this was my view last night.
it was rough.
daddy fell asleep early; he mustve been tired.
im very thankful the surgery was internal, and there wasnt any outward incisions that prevented me from cuddles.
getting two babies to bed after having surgery was harder than i thought.
but bein able to look at THIS? priceless.
i laid there looking at you and felt SO priveleged to be in that moment.
the day couldve played out SO much differently, but i was protected and given this blessing of a moment, this fantastic view. and in Brother's sleep, he put his arm around Sister and let out a big sigh of content. LOVED it!
i love this. love you. love everything.
no matter what happens, we are love!

stroller fun!

mahmee LOVES this. its our new "cadillac" of baby gear. i love that you can both face each other, or face me, or face the world or one can face you and the other can look the other way. i want to be close all the time, and this is going to help family adventures!

I love you.

Just know, my life is consumed with the love I have for you.

So.so.much.

Its my complete happiness.

Lance Armstrong's Mother

i posted this to all my friends today, and i wanted you to see it.

you started it all, Julian. you started my life. you and your sister make me....everything that i am!
remind me to send this also to Maya Narae's book too :]

i LOVE you.
i LOVE being your mahmee, your "heart".
i LOVE you being my SonShine.



Im reading Lance Armstrong's book "it's Not About The Bike" and he goes very in depth about his mother, about how hard working she was, how she motivated and inspired him, how amazing she was and how much he loved her. He tells these stories of all that she did for him, for his dreams, about how hard she tried to give him everything and how dedicated she was to him and his life. 

as i read this, page after page i can only think one thing:

i hope when my boy writes his book, 
that he thinks of me this way, that im THAT mother, and that he feels THAT way about ME. 
life goal, right there. 
be THAT to THEM.

as we are.

one of my FAVORITES.

soul mates. always have been always will be.

O.O

you were writing me a text message on daddy's phone by telling him how to spell words :) 

heres our exchange:

9:14 PM me: i love my boys

  hey

  show julian

  

9:15 PM make him read it

  mommy <3 julian="julian" span="span">

9 minutes

9:24 PM Jamie (julian): Mommy, we LOVE you:-)

9:25 PM me: Julian is my SUN!!!

so scared :(

oh my precious loves. 

i cant lie. 

i cant hide my fear. 

i am TERRIFIED. 

i went in for my ultrasound yesterday, and a mass was seen inside my uterus. 

next week i go in for a biopsy, where they take the tissue off and examine it to get more information about the lump. 

im scared babies. 

all i can think about as i wait the week before this appt is what could happen. 

im SO in love with you. 

how can i face something like this? 

i know it could be completely benign, and no immediate danger, but the what ifs are infiltratingmy peaceful heart. 

the possibility that something could compromise the parent i am to you...it breaks me in two. 

know this above all. 

i.love.you. 

and everything i feel. everything i do. everything i AM. 

its because i love you. 

you are the best things that have happened to me and your daddy. 

man i wish i could bottle my love and give it to you so you can feel it always. 

love you sonshine. love you moon.

mahmee

I love you.

In ways I can never explain.
You are my son, my moon, my heart.
My soul mates and kindred spirits.
I lie awake some nights in awe of what you are.
And the love I have for you is ever changing, ever growing.
You're perfect for me, and I for you.
Always.always.

I love you.