lets chat about help.

a few years ago I was living on my own while daddy and I were separated and things were rough. I worked a ton, had a lot of bills and things werent easy but i made it through. 

fast forward to now, Daddy and I have each other, and you both! and things still are sometimes tight. 

this quarter was rough, a few unexpected expenses had us in a  tight spot, and I went in to a building with nice people, explained my situation and they are helping us with some things. 

this is not my first go around with government assistance. When i was little, i was a recipient of government assistance all the time. I vowed never to put my family in that situation. 

and then i had you. 

and from THAT moment i vowed to do whatever it takes to keep you healthy, make you proud, and ensure your safety and happiness. 

it can be hard. 

you see there is NOTHING shameful about taking a little help when you need it. NOTHING. as long as you are a good person, honest and honorable and you do your share to contribute to this world during your highs, then you should be allowed to make it through your lows with dignity. 

today, i didnt get dignity. i got shame and embarrassment. 

ill paint a picture for you and hopefully you will see where im coming from. 

i held up a line of 16 at a checkout tonight for the foods i purchased with our assistance (WIC for those wondering). all healthy options, all good nutritional foods. it took a VERY long time for the cashier to scan each individual jar of baby food and produce and whatnot and people were NOT happy. 

i was wearing my wedding ring, carrying my nine west bag, wearing my nice skinny jeans and designer top. I had my smartphone and my long hipster scarf. one mightve even thought "hmmm i think i saw her at the blazer game the other day driving that cute little car!"

the looks i got from a couple people were burning me. some made snarky comments about the wait, even a store clerk mantioned something about this hold up. some stood in silence but their judgemental looks didnt lie. i was beet red, couldnt make eye contract and was about to cry. 

what they didnt know is that my nine west bag was a find at the By The Pound goodwill where you pay for your items by the pound. that beauty cost me $1.39! my clothes? all hand me downs from Aunt D after she went down a size. my ring was bought in feb 2010 (just a few months before our separeation forced us to live much more modestly) on clearance when daddy and i made 90k between the both of us and our income also contributed to government programs. my phone IS a smartphone, that was free because daddy works for the company and received a discount. my hispter scarf was made by me 2 years ago during our separation when i didnt use the heat even once. instead we used blankets and the fireplace and handmade items like my scarves. we preplanned our birthday gift to each other (our traditional blazer games) before the season even began as we do every year, and my cute little car is a 5 year old car we bought new that i am still paying on...not a recent purchase. we recently got rid of daddys beloved caddilac for a volvo wagon to save on gas and maintenance costs per year. 

whats the point of this? 

certainly not to get your pity, babies. 

my point is actualy multiple points. 

1. it is okay to stumble sometimes. be it karma, divine intervention, mummy and daddy, or the government programs intervening...you will be taken care of should you need a temporary boost. additionally...i will ALWAYS do EVERYTHING in my power to help either of you whenever you need. you are my babies, my life, my hearts and moon and sun. and i will never let you fail if i have a say in it. 

2. do not judge anyone you see. ever. you do not know their life, their story. i encourage you to get to know people, learn their stories and love them with a divine compassion. but if you dont (and lets face it you WONT know FAR more people than you WILL), do not judge them on their appearance. 

you just dont know. 

3. we are here to take care of our fellow man and woman. we are here to ensure happiness and health. be it happily paying taxes that assist mums like me and babies like you, or giving a helping hand do something to give back my loves. the world has helped us out so many times. 

4. it is my hope that by the time you read this at 16 or 18 or 35, that you dont remember any hardships, but its also my hope you subconscious holds onto enough to be compassionate. i want you to know we never allowed you to go cold or hungry. and we always put you first. always. but second, was always "tithing" or in our case "giving back". if we have $30 left we buy some food for our tummies and then gonate a few bucks where its needed and where we can spare it. its that important. 

hard times are hard...but also temporary. 

good times are good, and sometimes temporary. 

just keep moving, keep going, play it safe sometimes and smart all the time. save money, save people, and love. lovelovelove. 

we KNOW we will be better off next month, and hopefully the following once my financial aid comes in. its just a bump in the road. its my hope and plan that my bumps become your lessons and even if you find yourself here, you know that we have too and have gotten out of it. 

never give up. 

i love you Julian. 

i love you Maya.

:)

So proud of you! You read these words today! :)

No matter where baba sits...you'll find him :)

thanks for being my boy!

this was your response ont hanksgiving when daddy asked you to put on clothes :)

you and i took a late thanksgiving nap until 9pm...woops. we stayed up late coloring together. it was perfect!

"mommy julian, maya daddy" by Julian age three. all by yourself! i did help with the spelling of maya, because pheonetically thats hard for a 3 year old :)

cuddles at the blazer game!

LOVE being silly with you :)

my baby you'll be.

 Mahmee has been having a rough day. 

I am missing the things i never got the chance to have. 

parents. 

I dont talk much about my mother and father, because it is rough for me. I dont want to speak ill of this man and woman, but i dont have much nice to say, very few positives to point out. 

the bottom line is that I dont feel as though i am a loved child. I dont have a home to always go back to. I dont have a father deserving of walking me down the aisle. until last year, he didnt know the correct way to spell my middle name, and in the past he has been a month off in wishing me a happy birthday. He is not a bad man. while we dont see eye to eye on things he is not a "dead-beat" like some. 

we didnt see each other or speak for about 13 years. we found each other, and it has been so hands off since. but again, he isnt a dead beat. he isnt lazy or corrupt. He had his own business for years, a house, a family. He has a wife he has been with for 20 years. he has 2 other daughters with her that he loves and is fiercely proud of. unfortunately he also is an out of sight out of mind type fella, and myself and another daughter of his are not on his radar. 

He and I have seen each other, we send messages every now and then, but there is no long term investment in the process of parenting. We spent so much time apart mentally that i just dont think he knows how to be the father i needed. He hasnt had a listening ear, or a willingness to work tooth and nail to have his oldest as a priority. He loves to see pictures of you two, but has not seen Maya in person at all, nor seen you of his own volition since his birth. 

He is just absent. when i let myself think of it...i feel so unloved. unworthy. unappreciated and unfdathered. 

my mother. she was wonderful until my former stepfather introduced her into a world of bad. she eventually divorced him, but remained in a bad way, partaking in substance abuse that has never stopped affecting me. You see, she forced me out of the home when i was 16, and though she has since stopped using, our relationship has never recovered. she has never sought forgiveness, never admitted fault. never worked on it. I have not spoken to her in quite awhile. she has not called. she feels entitled and while i think i can tell there is shame, she does not want to overcome the problems. i have not had any semblance of a  "mom" since i was 11, and honestly, i havent had a GOOD mother since i was about 7.

today this bothers me. I watched a woman on television who was visiting with her mother, and there was this incredible connection between the two. she was a woman in her 40s and her mother was in her 60s, yet the relationship was wonderful. proof that parenting continues until death and beyond. its not an 18 year gig, thankfully. I want nothing more than a lifelong commitment to you babies. 

It made me realize i spent childhood, my teenage years and early twenties in sadness...and thats not going to end as i get older. ill always miss it. ill always be yearning for that something.

but here is the thing....i get to BE THAT for YOU.
a man and his mother can be a very special bond, it can also be simple and one layered. i want the former. i want something so special that when you arean adult and famous and someone asks you about your mom and dad you smile with your eyes and speak fondly of us as a close unit. i want you to feel the love we feel and live it like we do.
i dont just want to be your biological mother i want something MORE. im greedy for more. i want to be mahmee for always. that is a tall order that i must earn and darn it im going to try. 

my Julian. Sweet Sweet Julian. 

the first soulmate i have ever had. 

my sun, my boy, my baby. 

im learning so much about you and over the years have promised, in this blog, many many loving things. 

i have learned lessons and made mistakes and surprised myself in the ways of parenting. i had all these ideas when i became a parent...and then i met YOU. i met you and my ideas of parenting changed. 

i now have different plans, different ideas, different thoughts. different methods. but my love, and promises and hopes for you are all the same. 

here they are, an incomplete list in one place for you. itll change only slightly as we grow old together. but it will always have the same core: love. 

i promise you fights. 

i promise you arguments and i promise you might call me a name or two and i promise i'll cry. 

i promise that sometimes ill overstep your pda boundaries. 

i promise that i will let you play with my hair as long as you'll have it. 

ill tickle your back gently if you want, cuddle with you more often than you want, and will always kiss you goodnight, even if i have to sneak in after you are sleeping to do so. 

i promiseto upset you, to make you happy, to make you angry, i promise to do everything i can to not upset you, but i promise sometimes i will fail. i promise you lessons, all the time. 

i promise you expectations. i know your potential and i promise to help you get to them, and do all that you are capable of that you dream of. 

i promise you honesty and openness. i promise you an open ear, a shoulder, an embrace. 

i promise that you wont disappoint me. i promise to love who you are, and love every memory i have of us, and to be something bigger to you than you will ever acknowledge. i promise sometimes you will take for granted my love for you, and i promise to never grow weary in doing it anyway. 

i promise a mom forever, not until you are 18, not until you get married and have a family of your own. i promise to mom you forever. 

i promise that we will have to talk about things at some point, things like sex, drugs, relationships, marriage, family, religion, mistakes, embarrassments. but i promise i will love you through it all, daddy and i will answer your questions and tell you our stories and love you as you, or we, find your way through them. 

i promise to show you what a good woman is. i know that i show you how awoman should treat a man and his family and heart, and i promise to show you what you deserve. i promise to love daddy, and to be that for daddy and respect and honor who he is in your life. i promise to make sure you learn how to drive, learn how to love, learn how to work and dream and study. i promise to find any answers i dont know. i promise to make you uncomfortable and embarrassed and irritated. i promise to tease you gently, and make you laugh hard. i promise to show you happiness. i promise to support and encourage you, to love your individuality and stand close behind you as you find your path. i promise to cry when that takes you far from me, and call you a little too often. i promise pictures and stories and a level head. 

i promise that i will respect those you bring to us, and when you find someone you love, i promise to learn to love them like you and see them the way you do. 

i promise that while sometimes i will struggle with the way things are turning out, i will always be your rock. i will always remember the day you came into my life, the day i foudn out you were inside of me, the day you came out into this world and my heart became a person...a blond haired blue eyed beautiful beautiful boy. i promise to never forget that you have a gentle soul, an emotional, sensitive soul and a kind heart that sometimes requires roughhousing, but sometimes requires gentle love. 

i promise you tag!

i promise you i will stay as healthy as i can to give you as many years as humanly possible. 

i promise you i will piss you off. 

and i promise you that i will care about it. 

i promise you imagination and pretend and games. 

i promise to not let us grow apart by doing anything i can. 

i promise family dinners and holidays and gifts or special things just because. i promise you dates. i promise movie dates, and hot chocolate//chocolate milk dates that will turn into coffee dates. i promise to teach you about money and saving and providing. i promise to teach you about love. i promise to show you happiness and what happiness looks like. i promise a family bed when it is stormy out, and ill cuddle you when you have a bad dream. 

i promise to offer my head whenever you want to get my hair, and i promise to give you affection in whichever way you let me. 

i promise to let you jump in puddles sometimes. i promise to give you treats before dinner just because. i promise to guard you from pain or hurt, but to let you do things to be a kid. 

i promise to let you be a kid when you are a kid, be a teenager when you are a teenager and be an adult when you are adult...matter of fact, i promise to make sure you do those things. 

i promise to be yuour mom regardless of anything, and i will tailor that to YOU. i see you changing and transforming. i sometimes see phases of extreme independence and it breaks my heart at times but i embrace your soul, your being. 

i promise to always be here when your independence needs a break, and i promise to always always always be proud of you. 

i promise to tell you these things often. and i promise to sometimes tell you these things too often.

i promise to hold you to a standard of a son, a man, and an older brother and to treat you as the person you are. i promise to have no expectations of WHAT you become, only to love the person you are. 

i promise to listen with open ears as you tell me your plans and dreams, i promise to give my input constructively and with love and desire for your happiness. i promise to make you think, to make you work, to push your limits to find out who you are. i promise to love you unconditionally. 

i promise to tell you no sometimes, tell you yes sometimes, and sometimes say nothing at all. 

i promise to do whatever it takes to give you the life you need, want, deserve. 

and i promise you will never feel anything less than wanted, loved, appreciated, and perfect to us. 

i promise all of these things as your mother.

and i promise nothing you can do will ever change that. 

i love you with an all consuming love. 

i will love you to the end of everything. not life nor death nor distance nor memory will ever take that away from us. 

when i am not here, when i am, when you can see me, when you can not, when you feel me and when you dont. i love you. 

and i promise you that.

Writing daddy's birthday card :)

You did it all yourself! Soooo impressed and proud!

Just some things

i just keep looking at this thinking..YOU AND DADDY ARE IDENTICAL sometimes!

youve been trying your hand at writing...without help...just sounding things out and this was your try at "bad piggies". im SO proud!

THIS. oh THIS. you think "clothes" is a plural term...and the singular must be "clo" in your eyes. BUT OF COURSE! so when i asked you to put on clothes...you refused (sleepy crabbycakes boy) and demanded that you only put on ONE CLO. how could i keep a straight face? :) but you finally settled on sweater and pajama shorts. i conceded :)

Brother and Sister.

i just love what you are together.

Family :)

we got to see Red Gramma and Boppa today. what a wonderful thing. 

Very hard to photograph all of us...someone is always wonky!

they have been together for 60 years....

we have a date soon to learn about how they made it so long..ill share their secrets later :)

Game!

man...now that you are older...i sometimes have to bribe you to get good pictures. 

or to get ANY pictures. 

but i cherish EVERY SINGLE ONE.

you get PASSIONATE about your blazers :)

mahmee and sweet narae! our first gfame as a family of four!

Memories

a very sensitive area...and subject.

this may seem weird little one, but i did want to talk to you about a choice i made as your parent, the first, and definitely not the last, one that i will learn from. 

a very personal choice is made in the life of a mother of a son. 

one of those involves his own body. she has a choice that has to be made: to circumcise or to leave intact. 

i wish that i would have made the other choice. 

While i am hesitant to put this out in the blogosphere, lets face it, i dont have many followers, so i dont think this is going to affect you in a negative way, but maybe it will help other mothers with their choice. additionally, know that i try to protect our identities, so that it wont bite me in the butt later. but here goes.

When i learned you were a boy, i just assumed we would do what daddy preferred, to "match" if you will. and so there wasnt any real discussion on the matter. 

but after you were born, the procedure was done, and what was left was a poor wound that never HAD to be a wound. and one that was so upsetting to me, because you were in pain, that I asked daddy to change 100% of your diapers until it healed. 

it spurred me to look at research and information, and I learned that the "medical benefits" are moot really and while it is legal, it is not medically necessary, and often times, considered simply cosmetic.

it basically comes down to preference. 

and i felt bad because the preference should not have been mine. 

it is not my body. it is YOUR body. 

it is not CLEANER to circumcise, it is just different to clean. both options must be cleaned the same amount, and one is not generally "cleaner" than the other. 

it is not equal in its nerve endings, and it is really a cosmetic issue. 

more babies have troubles with circumcision wounds or injuries than have with intact body parts.

After thinking about it long and hard I wish i could go back and change my choice to this: that I left you intact until you were old enough to research the procedure and risks and benefits yourself. then i would have paid for it. just as i did when you were a baby. 

its something that i can not undo, and if for some reason you are ever upset that i made the choice i made, i truly apologize. 

they say "when you know better, you do better" and this has been true of my parenting with you, and your sister for that matter. 

I have always done what i thought was best, and in some cases i was poorly educated or just wrong, and once i realized my mistake, i corrected it. in this case, it cant be corrected and for that i am sorry. 

i love you, and you were born perfect. 

you were born with a tongue tie, one that really interrupted our breastfeeding relationship, but for 3 months after i refused to correct it, because "he is fine the way he was born!" i would say...funny coming from someone who chose to alter her child's appearance for cosmetic and superficial reasons. same with Sister's ears. someone once asked if i was going to get her ears pierced. i could only look at them like they were crazy. the thought had never crept into my mind because she wasnt old enough to request it. why would ij pierce her ears without her consent to it? besides, at a young age she wouldnt care nor would she "benefit" from the physical decoration that it entailed. 

but again, this is the same mindset of a woman who chose to alter her sons perfectly formed and perfectly functioning body because it was just "routine" and "common". 

when in reality...i DONT want you to do "What everyone else is doing". i DONT want you to make decisions based on what a % of the other kids in your class have done or your friends have done etc. 

NONE of THEM matter. YOU matter. and while it could be that you read this and say "mom...i dont care. i dont mind at all that you did that." theres the possibility thata you think about it, and for even a brief moment (or longer) you wish you had the choice and i have taken that away from you. 

Please know my boy, that i love you. INCREDIBLY. 

and while daddy and i may have different views on things, like this for example, thats okay. 

i want you to know in this situation, as well as ANY other situation you face, you will have Daddy or Me to come to to talk to about anything. and nothing is off limits. 

i cant guarantee that i will not continue to make periodic mistakes. 

but i will always admit when i am wrong, i will always say sorry when i have wronged you and seek reconciliation and forgiveness and

i PROMISE, i will always do better, when i know better. i love you baby. 

cuddles.

every night you ask to cuddle with me. 

sometimes we even spend the night together!

everyday you show me your drawings and ask meto draw with you.

every day you tell me you love me.

every day you hug me, you kiss me, and you wont go to sleep without getting our kiss back. 

im SO happy to be your mahmee. 

thank you, thank you!

im planning your birthday right now. and though money is the tightest its been in 2 years, im EXCITED. you are so happy and loving, i know you'll be thrilled! love you!

Love.

I'm in love.
I've never loved another like I love each of you. So individual our loves our, and so familial.

You are my everything. My breath. My life.

I am always with you.