ill be honest...

the other day mahmee wasnt the best mahmee. i was hurting in my heart, and daddy and i had a talk that kind of made me sad inside.

im sorry baby, that i was so focused on my pain that i felt that i wasnt as attentive. the cuddles i got from you later were wonderful. and it was a delightful change from your behavior earlier. i could tell you were ornery because mahmee wasnt feeling so good inside.

but im so so in love with all you are baby.

youre beautiful and i wont take our time for granted. YOU are what matters love.

and im sorry.

thank you for always understanding and being the best little boy.

i love you sonshine. you are my precious!

sing mahmee

those words are precious.

as i lay you down in your big boy bed, to try it once more, you cried. so i sat there in the dark by your bed and sang. when i thought you were asleep minutes later i stopped, only to hear you stir and say "sing, mahmee." so so quietly.

your love completes me and overwhelms me.

im so so in love with being your mahmee.

i love you Julian.

guess what baby?

the best part of me is you.

everything, who i am when im with you is the best me.

i love being your mother.

i was thinking today, no matter what happens with anything, with anybody, there isnt any way i will be unhappy, because i have you.

everything is for you.

i love you.

and i dont deserve you.

you're precious to me, and im so grateful that i can see God's love for me, in the simple fact that he entrusted me with you.

and im going to spend my days earning what he readily gave me.

God is good baby.

you are perfect for me, soul mate : )

most terrifying week ever.

oh baby boy.

tuesday was so scary; momma hasnt been able to sleep ive been so worried.

since sunday night ive gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep it seems.

you are on medicine and every three hours we give tylenol or motrin to make sure the fever doesnt come back.

you are crying and cranky, and while you get up and play for a bit, you then want to cuddle and you cry because you cant tell me whats wrong.

you scared mommy and daddy so badly.

i cant believe we almost lost you.
ill never really know how close we came, and i think i dont want to. what matter is you are here.
you sleep with us right now; i have to have you close to me.

your fever has stayed low if at all, and you are coughing and sneezing still.
you seem much better, which is odd because you are still sick.

i love that you know im your mommy, and you know how much i love you.

how close we came to losing you, seeing you not breathing and blue, really puts life in perspective.

i want to make life the best for you.
i have been pondering going to college, or just what to do when i dont work at the tmobile place anymore.

May 1st is my last day at tmobile. i will get to spend some time with you.
work makes me so anxious. its hard to go.
but i am happy baby.

and Tuesday, when i had to give you those little breaths, when i heard you cries, oh baby it just made me realize life isnt promised. its gifted to us.
you are my most precious gift. you and daddy and any other brothers and sisters that we get to have for you.

you are precious baby and i want to make you proud.

how can i physically explain how much i love you so that you always know, even when i am not here to tell you?
by my love. my actions. my kisses and hugs.

you're beautiful son. and i am SO proud of you. you are a fighter, a trooper, and you can do anything.

be happy love. be so happy.

i look at you with the same love, but with more appreciation for everything.

the way you say "uh!" when you want up, and then you curled up on my chest and fell asleep today, made me feel that connection we have, that soul mate connection.

you are my soulmate. you are my sunshine.
you are my everything.

i love you.

sweet sweet boy.

today was a hard day.

for days you have had an on and off fever.
doctors told us it wasnt too bad a sign as long as you were your normal self.
you acted normal and happy. until last night. fever spiked and you wouldnt eat or drink. we put you in light clothing and you again slept with us.
i am SO glad you did.

this morning around 1000am you woke up and i sat up. i cleaned the nasties out of your eyes while you cried; they were so bad your eyes could barely open.
i leaned to the floor to pick up a diaper and sat back up to change you when i notced you change.

you stared off to your right and started twitching, your right side in rhythmic movements.

my sweet perfect angel was having a seizure. i knew right off the bat it was from the fever, but i still freaked. i screamed for Angela who came in and saw you. she grabbed her phone and called for the paramedic doctors to come get you. after you stopped shaking mommy noticed you weren't breathing, and your lips were now blue. your eyes weren't moving or even blinking and your entire body was completely limp.
i picked you up and you flopped over, nothing in your little body. my first thought is you were choking on your nasties. i pumped your belly a few times and nothing came up but spit. it occurred to me that you couldnt breathe.

mommy laid you down on the ground, lips still blue and no breaths and i pinched your little nose and breathed into you, one, two, three times. i was praying and begging so hard, and out loud, "God dont take him from me" you're my baby, my sweet sweet baby boy. and my heart broke in two as i breathed for you.

i heard a sputter, a cry, a whimper and you started moaning, still burning up. Nanny came and started taking off your clothes to cool you off, and your diaper. i rolled you onto your side and you didnt move just kept moaning. your voice was the sweetest sound, and i was so so relieved you were breathing. the paramedic doctors came in soon, and they put you in the big ambulance car.

we met daddy at the hospital. baby boy i was right with you the whole time.
the doctor told us you had a febrile seizure, a fever seizure. your fever had shot to over 105 degrees. its like cooking chili. if you turn the burner up to 9 without letting it warm up, it can burn fast. and your fever went real high real fast.
you would be okay, and they would give you medicines.
you had a chest xray which told us that you had bronchitis and the dcotr saw you also had 2 ear infections. we have to make sure you are okay with your nasties and keep you propped up so you dont choke on your ickies.

we have you home now, and boy baby you are tired.

im going to hold you until the cows come home, and then longer. screw the cows.

we are still praying. God is good and you are here with us. i thank the lord for every moment with you.

you were so strong and so tough; i am SO proud of you. my sweet sweet baby boy.

everything is going to be all right.

i love you JudeBug.
my julian.
my sunshine.

my handsome...

its 2010.
holy moly.

2009 was THE BEST year of my life.

now while 2008 was the year that mom and daddy decided to have you and we finally met you, growing with you in 2009 was so much to me. it would definitely be accurate to say that each year i'm with you is the BEST year. we love you SO much.

we are very excited to have you growing and getting smarter. daddy and i talked last night about when we wanted to make you a big brother, and when we wanted to get married.
while there aren't any specific dates, we have decided that next year in 2011 we will try to make you a little baby brother or sister. and one day we will get married. but marrying daddy wont change what we already have.
our life is so perfect.
i can hardly wait to expand our little family.

daddy and i are thinking of what to do with our lives. we want careers. we want jobs that will stay with us and keep our family happy and safe.

what should mommy and daddy do?

EMT? Writer? Photographer? Teacher? DayCare? Juvenile corrections?

i don't know sweets, but i am going to make you proud. both of us are. you are the number one thing in our lives : ]

mommy and daddy and nanny are going to be looking for a new house. with 2 bedrooms and a basement for nanny so she can have her own studio apartment. or a nice huge downtown apartment.

one day we'll have a big house. with big rooms, big porches to keep you safe, and a big dog. i'm feeling complete and content love, but am so anxious for all the things we will experience with you!

you have another ear infection bubbas. but you are loving cuddles. its strange, when you feel icky you dont sleep well. doctor says that your ears are puffy and causing pain when you lay down, so youve been falling asleep sitting up. you've been skipping naps, and when you are sleeping, you crawl around in your sleep whimpering. we let you sleep with us since you are sick, and i worry you'll crawl right off the bed...its happened you silly boy.
you are cuddled next to me as i type this. you are so precious to me.

you arent venturing out more in the walking department. your first steps happened on 12.20.2009 and you dont try much. it'll come. im not worried. its not that you CANT its just that you dont WANT to. :]

you LOVE to play "containers". today i put a whole bevy of mixing bowls on the floor for you and got out your toy balls and you just had so much fun putting the toys into the bowls. so smart!

yesterday i taught you that Monkeys say Oo Oo Oo Ah Ah Ah and when i tell you to do it you say ah ah ah ah. its SO cute.

you clap when people on tv clap, you are great at raising your arms for touchdown, especially when daddy freaks out at the tv about touchdowns.
you still do "singing" where when we say "singing" you sing! Ya ya Ya ya Ya ya. :] makes me happy. you are musical! you dance to everything! and you love to bang on dishes and bowls. you have drumstick mixing spoons someone bought for christmas with drumstick handles, and you have mommys rhythm! did you know i can play the drums/ i taught myself, and maybe when you're older we will see what musical instruments you like to play. you LOVE daddy's guitars and you LOVE playing the plano that momma has.

how wonderful it is to know you love music, the thing that brought mommy and daddy together!

goodness i am so lucky to have you here honey.

one of the pictures i will upload here in a bit is of the quilt momma's momma
i so much wanted your baby clothes and a blanket made into a quilt for me, so i could always have you with me. and its PERFECT. your blankets are the pieces on the outside and Gramma picked 4 of the onesies that you wore to put on the front. one says i love mommy and one says i love daddy. i LOVE my blanket.
and cuddles under it with you are the best! specially when you are sick, its nice to cuddles with you under our blankie.

handsome boy, im so excited for a year of wonderful things. how blessed we all out to have our family!

randoms from your first 6 months. :)

Big J, little j, what begins with j...

you and daddy. i have a feeling it will always be like this.

and so it begins...

8 weeks ish.

20 weeks.

35 weeks.