most terrifying week ever.

oh baby boy.

tuesday was so scary; momma hasnt been able to sleep ive been so worried.

since sunday night ive gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep it seems.

you are on medicine and every three hours we give tylenol or motrin to make sure the fever doesnt come back.

you are crying and cranky, and while you get up and play for a bit, you then want to cuddle and you cry because you cant tell me whats wrong.

you scared mommy and daddy so badly.

i cant believe we almost lost you.
ill never really know how close we came, and i think i dont want to. what matter is you are here.
you sleep with us right now; i have to have you close to me.

your fever has stayed low if at all, and you are coughing and sneezing still.
you seem much better, which is odd because you are still sick.

i love that you know im your mommy, and you know how much i love you.

how close we came to losing you, seeing you not breathing and blue, really puts life in perspective.

i want to make life the best for you.
i have been pondering going to college, or just what to do when i dont work at the tmobile place anymore.

May 1st is my last day at tmobile. i will get to spend some time with you.
work makes me so anxious. its hard to go.
but i am happy baby.

and Tuesday, when i had to give you those little breaths, when i heard you cries, oh baby it just made me realize life isnt promised. its gifted to us.
you are my most precious gift. you and daddy and any other brothers and sisters that we get to have for you.

you are precious baby and i want to make you proud.

how can i physically explain how much i love you so that you always know, even when i am not here to tell you?
by my love. my actions. my kisses and hugs.

you're beautiful son. and i am SO proud of you. you are a fighter, a trooper, and you can do anything.

be happy love. be so happy.

i look at you with the same love, but with more appreciation for everything.

the way you say "uh!" when you want up, and then you curled up on my chest and fell asleep today, made me feel that connection we have, that soul mate connection.

you are my soulmate. you are my sunshine.
you are my everything.

i love you.