Hi, im one, how are you?

Julian Russell Charles Backer...
you're ONE.
Sunday, December 27th you turned One Year Old.
i didnt cry, and thats because i couldnt be more HAPPY.
you are my handsome little guy. learnign to walk and communicating. you've almost mastered please in sign language.

we had a great bir
thday with you, and your cupcake sugar high was wonderfully fun.

you are crying at me to go cuddle.

but i wanted to tell you i LOVE you, more than anything, and this year has been the BEST year of my life.

you are my everything bubba.

lets go cuddle and watch nick at nite. :]

First Christmas!!!

baby boy. this is your FIRST christmas!
you turn ONE on Sunday and momma and daddy are so proud.

gramma made momma a quilt with your old clothes and blankets, and i cried. it was perfect. im excited to cuddle under it with you. gramma said that she will make you a tiny matching one :].

i love you. you walk more and more a little each day.
and you are SO full of wonder.
im so PROUD of you love.

you were a little scared of your presents but loved the tonka truck auntie K and Uncle Dot got you, and the fun push toy from Druncle. :]

we love you SO much baby.

those words just dont even explain it.


i yuvv you.

Christmas time!

first christmas came 2 days before your first birthday....

and to think, one year ago today i was crying over wrapping paper being beautiful.

thanks to you and your beautiful hormones. :)

love you boo.

my boy.

today while mummy and daddy had a small argument...you found your voice.

you sat on the bed, looking at your hands and babbled.
for about 30 minutes you spoke in words you surely thought were words.
it was incredible.
we played and it was one of the best days of my life.
the simple things with you are ALWAYS the best times of all times.


this photo is old. but the smile in your eyes is what i will always think of when i think of you.

Love You Julian.

my boy.

today while mummy and daddy had a small argument...you found your voice.

you sat on the bed, looking at your hands and babbled.
for about 30 minutes you spoke in words you surely thought were words.
it was incredible.
we played and it was one of the best days of my life.
the simple things with you are ALWAYS the best times of all times.


this photo is old. but the smile in your eyes is what i will always think of when i think of you.

Love You Julian.

:]

i love you bubba.

im hoping we can help some needy families this holiday.

you're first birthday is up here soon.

you are so loved.
you have 5 aunties that love you and two uncles.
and Aunt Heather. and Grandma and Grandpa Russell.
we need to go see them.


dont you ever forget your family who loves you.
and your mommy and daddy whose world you are.
those pictures were from my birthday i think. november 2009. but i laugh so much when i see it. you are going to be such a physical comedian. love you!

you were cranky today.

but you were dancing, doing "touchdown" arm raises, and singing. you keep falling and you even got a bruise, poor guy.

i love you. and you are my every smile and happiness.


kisses baby boo.

i love you.

you are being so cute.

i love you boy and im so proud of you.

Julian...

its December 4th.

Aunnie H had her birthday today and spent the day with you and mumma.

you light up my life.

even sitting at the dmv today for awhile was pleasant because you were there.

you still have the ear infection and are still cranky. you are fighting sleep left and right, skipping naps and crying at night.

its going to get better. you are so happy and i am so happy and excited to raise you right.

as i type you are standing next to me.
you are getting adventurous with your stands, but pretty much refuse to stand aside from by the couch or your walker even if we offer our hands.

i love you baby. im so excited to go cuddle you and love on you. be good bubba.

:]

you're almost one year old!

for you Blue

hey baby,

mommy is going to get healthy.

im making you a commitment, that i am going to bust my butt to get healthy.


when you are 2 you asre going to have a healthy active mommy.

for now, you have the happiest, most dedicated mother ever.

i love you more than anything J.

dont forget that. you are my life, my love, my happiness.


thankm you for picking me and daddy to be your parents.

for you Blue

hey baby,

mommy is going to get healthy.

im making you a commitment, that i am going to bust my butt to get healthy.


when you are 2 you asre going to have a healthy active mommy.

for now, you have the happiest, most dedicated mother ever.

i love you more than anything J.

dont forget that. you are my life, my love, my happiness.


thankm you for picking me and daddy to be your parents.

11 months old!

you are gettin big. one more month to go til you're one year.
i only get 18 more of these with you til youre all growed up.
i love you.
youre fightin an ear fection and a cold. i hope you feel better soon bubba.



mommy and daddy love you.


after 2 months of not being together mommy and daddy are going to work on things.
we're starting to make it better.

i love you, so does daddy. thank you for picking us.

back home.

you gave me the biggest smile when you saw me.

we're at home watching dvr'd snl with taylor swift (you like her, you keep dancing and smiling. you always like the blondes.).
you're cranky.

sleeping next to you was wonderful.

i had to spank your hand and now you're fake crying.


i have the best life. ever.

lets go cuddle baby boy.

Seattle.

mommy misses her baby so much.

an extension of my heart.

you are in Oregon at home with Daddy and Nanny, and Mommy is in Seattle missing you. this is already the longest ive been away and while ive had an AMAZING time, no amount of wonder can hold a candle to cuddles with you.

daddy tells me you have been cranky and mischievous.

i wonder what you're thinking?

i can hardly wait another 2 days to hold you in my arms again.
you are almost one baby boy and i love you so much.


im praying you are happy and healthy.
every moment gets me closer.

Mommy loves you Bubba!
and i am SO proud of you!
553 : ]

love you!

daddy just had his first birthday with you here. and mommys first Julian birthday is saturday. then next month you turn one!

we took you to the Kroc center for swimming on daddys birthday.
and we are going to a blazer game on wednesday.
i love you bubba. mommy is taking a trip next week without you and i am going to go CRAZY without you next to me every day.


i love you very much and even though youve been fighting sleep lately, i love every second with you. :]

love you bubbs!

night terrors

i have been pretty concerned that J Bug has night terrors for awhile now.

this article was one that i felt a bit more at ease about. i didnt know they werent actually dreaming. here i am thinking he is terrified...but its just an episode.


jacked from:http://www.justthefactsbaby.com/baby/article/nightmares-night-terrors-and-nighttime-fears/110
f your child’s sleep is disrupted by nightmares and fear, it can affect her mood, behavior, health, memory and growth. Here’s what you can do to solve these common childhood sleep disrupters:

Nightmares
Children spend more time dreaming than adults do, so they have more dreams–both good and bad. After a nightmare, saying “It was just a dream” doesn’t explain what they experienced–after all, most kids believe that the tooth fairy and Big Bird are real, too. After a nightmare, offer comfort just as you would for a tangible fear. If your child wakes with a nightmare:

Stay with her until she feels relaxed and ready to go to sleep, or if she’s reluctant to have you leave, stay with her until she is actually sleeping.
Be calm and convey that what’s happening is normal and that all is well.
Reassure your child that she’s safe and that it’s okay to go back to sleep.
Night terrors
During a night terror, your child will wake suddenly and may scream or cry. Her eyes will be open, but she won’t actually be seeing. She may hyperventilate, thrash around or talk incoherently. She may be sweating and flushed. She may seem scared, but your child is not really frightened, not awake, and not dreaming. She’s asleep and in a zone between sleep cycles. A child having a night terror is unaware of what’s happening, and won’t remember the episode in the morning.

During a night terror you may try to hold your child, but often this will result in her pushing you away or fighting you off. The best response is a gentle pat, along with comforting words or Shhh Shhh sounds. If your child gets out of bed, lead her back. If she’s sitting up, guide her to lie back down. Keep an eye on her until she settles back to sleep.

Nighttime fears
It’s normal for a child to imagine monsters that generate a fear of the dark. Even if you explain that there’s no such thing, and even if you assure her that she’s safe, she may still be scared. You can reduce her fears when you:

Teach her the difference between real and fantasy through discussion and book-reading.
Find ways to help your child confront and overcome her fears. If dark shadows create suspicious shapes, provide a flashlight to keep at her bedside.
Leave soothing lullabies playing, or white noise sounds running to fill the quiet.
Give your child one, two, or a zoo of stuffed animals to sleep with.
Put a small pet, like a turtle or fish, in your child’s room for company.
Take a stargazing walk, build a campfire, or have a candlelight dinner to make the dark more friendly.
Preventing sleep disrupters
Some things have been found to reduce the number or severity of sleep-disturbing episodes. They are all based on good sleep practices and worth a try:

Follow a calm, peaceful routine the hour before bedtime.
Maintain the same bedtime seven days a week.
Avoid books and movies that frighten your child.
Have your child take a daily nap.
Provide your child with a light snack an hour before bedtime, avoiding spicy food, sugar or caffeine.
Have your child use the potty just before she gets into bed.
Is there a time to call a professional?
Always call a professional if you have concerns about your child’s sleep.

Meet our expert:
Elizabeth Pantley is a mother of four and the best-selling author of eight parenting books, including: The No-Cry Sleep Solution and The No-Cry Discipline Solution. She is also a contributing author to The Successful Child with Dr. William Sears. Based in Washington, Pantley is the president of Better Beginnings Inc. (a family resource and education company) and a parenting expert for a variety of publications including: Parents, Parenting and Redbook. www.pantley.com

another article...infertility.

i fear infertility still. yes i have the most beautiful son i could ever dream of. but ive heard that with endometriosis, every baby is still a miracle.
i dont have a slight case, and i fear that it might not happen for me. i would never feel any less lucky or blessed since i do have J, but i pray daily for those unable to conceive that they recieve their miracle, and that i can be a fertile murtle in time for another little blessing.

jacked from:http://www.alphamom.com/smackdown/2009/11/when_pregnancy_announcements_a_2.php



Hello, I've been reading your column for a while and I really love it. I've never seen this type of question before, but I didn't really go through the archives, so I apologize if you've seen it before.

OK, so my husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year now, which has clearly been one big FAIL. I have an appointment with an RE to see what our next steps are. My problem lies more with the fact that in this last year or two my friends and family have been baby making machines and are popping the little ones like crazy. I really am so happy for them. I love seeing the babies, pinching their cheeks etc. And I would never want to deny any of them their joy in being mothers. But, I've noticed that as we've crossed the big one year mark, and beyond, it's becoming much harder to keep the smile going. It's getting harder to go to Facebook, and see all the pics of the adorable babies, to hear the new mothers complain about not getting any sleep (though, please know, I do not begrudge anyone with a legitimate complaint. Being up all night with a crying infant is certainly complaint worthy, it's just hard to hear.), or to hear another "we're pregnant!!!". I can avoid it to a point, but really it's everywhere and unless I want to never go on the internet, talk to my friends or listen to my mom's family updates, there is really no way around this baby boom.

So, here is the question. How do I not become an embittered hag? It really is getting harder and harder. Some friends know about our issues, some don't. But it doesn't really matter. I don't want anyone to be afraid to share something baby related with me because I may breakdown in tears or say some snide comment. Example, recently some friends of ours shared the news that they're going to have a baby. My husband didn't tell me for two weeks because he didn't want to hurt me. I was shocked that he wouldn't tell me, and said that I could handle it, then I broke down in tears.

I don't want to be "that women" who nobody feels they can share their baby stuff with. But I have to admit, it's getting really hard to not get, well bitter when every negative pregnancy test just break my heart a little more and everywhere I go I'm surrounded with happy baby news for everyone else. How do I continue being a good friend and being happy for my friends and family, when all I want to do is cry because I may never have a baby of my own?

Thank you so much,
Trying not to be Bitter

Personally, I think the feelings and emotions and turmoil surrounding infertility can be viewed in a similar way as anxiety or panic. If you've never been treated for either, the general therapy line is something like this: Don't fight it. When you feel that lump in your throat or that pang in your gut, don't immediately go all no no no no not happening gah gah gah, because basically you cause your brain to unleash a secondary wave of anxiety about your anxiety. Instead, acknowledge it. Okay, there it is. I'm feeling this way right now. Let's deal with it and move on.

In other words, you shouldn't HAVE to fight off all of these emotions all the time. It's OKAY TO CRY. There's nothing in your question that suggests that you are anywhere close to teetering on the edge of Bitter Hagdom. So you burst into tears in front of your husband. Dude, he's exactly who you SHOULD be able to burst into tears in front of.

I am pretty sure that most women who have struggled to conceive (this advice columnist included) have totally faked the "I'm so happy for yooooouuuu" thing in public. To coworkers, Facebook friends, real friends, even to people we don't like very much to begin with. And you know what, I think that's okay sometimes too. I'm not saying, for example, that this woman's response from a previous column was correct or mature, but it was still pretty UNDERSTANDABLE, in the grand scheme of things. And as you can see from the comments, most pregnant women DO understand how you feel, and WANT to be sensitive and respectful to your pain/grief/bitterness. So please, don't beat yourself up for having a perfectly natural reaction to your situation. IT. SUCKS. And it always seems like everybody and their dog is pregnant and none of them understand how you feel.

I'm sure some people might suggest "stuff to take your mind off it." Take up a hobby! Go outside more! Take a vacation! Get a puppy! Enjoy your carefree child-free days! And you know, it's probably good, mature advice and all, but I dunno. I'm not saying you wallow in it (and hey, we DID get a puppy for this exact reason, and it DID help a lot), but I also don't want to patronize you with the idea that knitting or scrapbooking will somehow lessen the pain of not having the one. thing. you. want. more. than. anything. In the world. Of all time!

What you probably need, though, is a safe place to express how you feel, once you're done with the stony smiles and gritted-teeth "congratulations" and holding of Other People's Babies. Start an anonymous little blog or join a message board (I have no specific site recommendations these days, so...readers? Any good TTC/IF boards out there that are low on the blinkies and baby dust and higher on the snark/honesty?). Find a place where you can talk about this stuff without fear of being judged as That Woman. Check out the amazing blogroll over at Stirrup-Queens.com and find some kindred blogging spirits. (Actually, just check out EVERYTHING at Stirrup-Queens.com. It's pretty much the best infertility resource I can think of these days.) Let it OUT, either through your words or the occasional crying jag.


So while I hammer home the idea that it's OKAY to feel how you feel, that it's NATURAL, I do want to warn you about one thing, because it happened to me and really took me by surprise: The bitterness and wounds of infertility don't just magically go away once you get pregnant. I was shocked to find that even though I was pregnant and everything was going okay and I had a pretty reasonable hope that I was going to end up with a baby, I was still just as thrown by other pregnancy announcements, particularly by women who didn't experience a struggle. I distinctly remember being completely irrationally annoyed by the birth of another woman's baby when I was practically in the third trimester -- but that woman had announced her pregnancy just a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant, and I had cried and been upset and jealous (OH, SO JEALOUS). And I had a really hard time letting go of those feelings.

So. While you may feel alone and miserable and bitter within your current social circle, you AREN'T really, within the very large and real and understanding circle of your fellow infertiles. I wrote about it, I read what dozens of other women wrote about it, and I found a couple of online friends who I could randomly send overly rant-y emails about WHO WAS PREGNANT NOW OMG KILL ME without fear of being thought of as a jealous, seething bitch. (Which I was, maybe, in that moment. But by allowing myself to have that moment, I was better able to sack up and move on and NOT be a jealous, seething bitch 24/7. More like 23/6, I suppose.)

meh some reading.

an interestign article.

i look forward to another pregnancy. here is praying ; ]


jacked from:http://www.thecradle.com/delivery/ways-to-self-induce

Let's Get This Labor Party Started!
Ways to Self-Induce for the Overcooked, Overdue Mom-to-Be
by The Cradle Staff
ine months and counting? (Oh... we know that you’re counting!)

When will your baby make his or her debut? That we can’t tell you – but we can help you sort through some of the techniques that moms have used to get things moving.

The question is, do any of these work?

Well, some might help jumpstart the process, but to paraphrase one of our OBs, anything could theoretically work… if your baby is ready!

Sex
What? Not feeling at your sexiest with swollen ankles and 30+ extra pounds of weight? Before you dismiss this one, keep in mind that semen contains prostaglandins, which causes the cervix to soften, or “ripen”. And if you can throw an orgasm into the mix, even better – orgasms produce oxytocin, a hormone that causes uterine contractions.

Castor Oil
Good luck getting this one down, but some say it helps to induce labor by causing cramping. But in reality, that cramping is the onset of diarrhea, and do you really feel like experiencing that at this point in your pregnancy? (Although some might argue that they want the colon cleansing aspect to this method due to fears of pooping on the table during delivery!) Not a recommended choice.

Walk It Out
Put on your sneakers (or any shoe that still fits) and go for a stroll. Gravity pulls the baby down on the birth canal, so this pressure may assist in effacement and dilation.

Stimulate Your Nipples
Ladies, start your engines. This technique requires the mom-to-be to gently massage the areolas. For any kind of effect, you have to stimulate the nipples for a long time (recommended time: 5-15 minutes on each nipple per hour, for several hours). The stimulation causes the body to produce oxytocin, which can cause contractions.

Pass the Salad, Please
Legend has it that a little Italian restaurant in Los Angeles called Caioti Pizza Cafe has a dish called “The Salad” which has caused many overdue moms to go into labor. Why? Nobody knows – but many new moms swear by it (note: it didn’t work for us). If you can’t make it to L.A., you can buy the dressing online at maternitysalad.com. Or you could just try eating some spicy food.

Acupressure
Press on certain trigger points on your body and watch baby pop out! Okay, maybe it’s not as simple as that, but massaging certain points on your body (such as the webbing between your thumb and forefinger, and a spot on your calf about four finger widths above the ankle) has been known to trigger contractions. Press and rub these spots in a circular motion for about a minute.

Evening Primrose Oil
This oil is known to provide prostaglandins, helping to soften the cervix. It can be massaged directly onto the cervix, or taken orally, on a daily basis. (This should be taken only after 37 weeks.)

(Note: None of these methods have a 100% success rate… and be sure to check with your health practitioner with any questions.)

learning to talk back.

we're gonna be in trouble soon. you are learnign full on tantrums...arching your back and screaming. you try and talk and get frustrated. everything is "wassat?"
you point to get what you want, and scream to tell us things.

but you are so beautiful. you look so grown up in your outfit today, jeans a long sleeve football shirt daddy bought and the cute new velcro shoes i bought you recently. shoes intrigue you. once i put them on you give up using your legs lol.


you went to bed late last night (130) and woke up early today (845).

you are now resting peacefully.

mommy needs to do some grocery shopping, create meal plans, figure out what to do if the nanny quits and save some monies.



mommy and daddy love you SO much bubba.


:]

baby!

hey love. you can say baby now. and Nanny says youve said yes once. you still ask whats that? to everything. and last night after we turned off the bedroom tv you pointed and motioned for me to turn it back on.
you are very needy, smacking your head and pulling your ear; tomorrow we take you in to test for ear infections and also for your H1N1 vaccine. im nervous about it. not sure that we should get it. i cant explain it, i just have a bad feeling. i love you so much. i pray all the time that nothing happens to you.

i love you JudeBug. my life would forever be incomplete if you werent in my life.


hope you feel better soon baby.

halloween time!

first halloween, here is the pic daddy took of you. so proud of your mahsser outfit!

daddy took this around halloween :)

shopping at a halloween store...you got more than a little skeptical about this little baby dude.

you sat!

i didnt see how...

but you went from laying on your tummy to sitting up...twice today!

im proud of you bebe!

10 months today!

my big boy! went shopping with mommy and uncle. and didnt sleep nearly enough.

:]

im SO proud of you handsome boy. you are getting so big and so smart. will i ever be able to explain it? nah, but i will work hard to make sure you see it.

daddy loves you so, and you are going through a "daddy's boy" phase, which makes me sad a little. i miss our mommy buddy times.

you fill me with such love! next month we are taking you to your first blazer game! wooo!

we got you a little blazer outfit and daddy is gonna watch a game with you tonight. :]

i love you little beau.

happiest 10 months of my life, no contest.

jude bug.

you are so beautiful. so tired and so cranky. but i love your laugh. your cry. your breath.

i live for every moment with you...or rather...i feel most alive when im with you.

NEVER forget how much i love you.

i can never forget it : ]

assat?

Whassat?

all.day.long.

i love answering you.

"thats a water bottle"

"thats the kitty"

"thats nanny"

"thats mommy!"

you are learning.

today you even said pretty.

i LOVE YOU!

you can now clap when i say clap. high five when i say high five, and you are working on waving when i just say wave. you know so many things! im SO PROUD OF YOU!

today!

today i jogged 60 mins on the elliptical. i kept thinking about you.

it was hard, but i kept up and doing it.

i want you to be proud of your mommy.

im so proud of you bug.

love you Julian.

mummy : ]

baby story.

im watching a baby story. i used to watch this when i was pregnant with you.

man the best part is seeing the end result, the baby being put on the mums chest.

that was the greatest of all times.

when they put you on my chest and i spent that next hour with you there. i was blown away. you are the most beautiful thing i have ever experienced. and that moment will remain the most loving moment ive ever felt. the biggest connection to you.

i became moreso, your mother.

every day after that i have loved you more than the yesterday before.

but this was the day that started it all.

after 40 weeks of waiting.

here you were in our lives.

we love you.

judebug,

its my hope that you always be open.

that you never try to tell someone they cant love.

that you recognize that love is an emotion...not a gender.

Gays are not lesser people.

instead...they are simply...people.

love you.

for the parkers.

for the Adams.

for the Mammys and Mellys

and all of our loved ones.

our family supports you.

some fun moments.

Julian,

you make me giggle.

today you cuddled with me and when i would point the camera at us youd laugh.

then i'd show you the picture we'd take and youd laugh. particularly when i took one of me to see if youd recognize it. lol.

you do this fun thing now where when you're eating you'll pull away and stop and make fake laughs. and when i fake laugh back, you repeat it again.

:]

you love laughing and smiles and fun. and im so blessed to be your mommy.

almost 10 months old beau!

good little article.

http://www.justthefactsbaby.com/baby/article/changing-from-two-naps-to-one/107

today

mom worked. came and saw you on lunch, then saw you again before her workout. she got to put you to bed, but felt slightly empty not getting more time with you.

i love you, and im getting healthy for us little Beau.

you are my world. and i LOVE YOU!

you make me a fighter. you make me stronger.

you give me life.

praying for Kayleigh

praying praying for Kayleighs family.

today i read the blog from earlier this year and my heart broke for them.

JudeBug, every time you look at me, each kiss i can give, every breath you take and smile you make...

i dont take that for granted. you are such a good little boy. and i am blessed by your every...well, your everything.

i love you so much little boy, in a way that the human mind can not wrap itself around.

you are beautiful and perfect.

love you.

thank you for being my son : ]

thank you lord for giving me my son.

love you both.

Mommy and Daddy.

Judebug and Mommy

9 months old in Portland today. :]

we had a good time.

we visited uncle chad who just had surgery.

he is doing well and we keep our best and greatest hopes and thoughts to those other kids in Shriners and Doernbechers. and hope they return to their homes with their families soon and completely healthy.

they did a great job on Uncles chest. : ]

oh my...

we are praying for Emily that she recovers completely and has no more issues.

so so thankful for the medical world that we live in!

she is a beautiful beautiful little girl.

http://breezymama.com/2009/10/05/your-daughter-has-cancer-oncologist/

http://breezymama.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/em-playroom-300x225.jpg

judebug...first word...

he just said kitty!!!

many times...finger pointing...

KITTY!!!!

ahhhh. i LOVE it.

you are such a smart sweet boy.

KITTY!

today i took you to the doctor. 18.12 lbs.

75th percentile for your height.

25th percentile for your weight.

18.12 lbs now!

im So proud of my big smart happy boy.

LOVE YOU!

a couple of recalls.

A voluntary recall of several infant and children's Tylenol has been announced by the drug company, McNeil Consumer Healthcare. Twenty-one Tylenol products had been identified, due to possible contamination of one of the inactive ingredients used for making the drug. The recall was issued on September 18, 2009, for products manufactured between April 2008 and June 2008.

Examination of bulk raw material found the ingredient did not meet their internal testing requirements. The gram-negative bacteria Burkholderia cepacia (B. cepacia) was detected. No bacteria has been detected in finished products, but the recall was issued as a precaution.

Target voluntarily recalled a Halloween 3-pack of children’s mini flashlights after Mitch Lipka, a Wallet Pop writer, placed batteries in a flashlight his child brought home from a birthday party, noticed a sizzling sound and then witnessed the flashlight melt. He purchased another package of the flashlights to test and found that another sizzled and melted.

Lipka contacted the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), Target and the importer, Devrian Global Industries. Target was quick to pull the product from the shelves and offer a full refund to consumers if they return the item. Lipka said it was refreshing to see a company take such quick action, acting before the CPSC had investigated or ordered any recall. Scott Wolfson, a spokesperson for the CPSC, encouraged those who experience problems with a product to file a complaint with the CPSC and retain the product for CPSC examination.

keep your eyes peeled, and lets keep our kids safe.

October is...

Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

i think of you Rene.

and Gramma.

and Miss Kacie.

and all the women and families affected.

there will be a cure soon. stay strong. and love hard.

pray to whoever you believe in and have faith.

Today the chance of a woman being diagnosed with invasive breast cancer is 1 in 8.

Donate to find a cure!

ww5.komen.org

www.nationalbreastcancer.org/

www.findacure.org/

these are just 3 of the sites for Breast Cancer Research information.

always research before you donate to avoid scams or fraud.

and of course, self examine regularly and get mammograms as directed by your doctor.

never doubt a gut feeling.

chances of recovery are wonderful for those who detect it early. Know your body.

Well Wishes to All!

:] we are thankful.

we are blessed with your health.

blessed with teething.

i would take teething any day over what some parents have to go through.

we pray for Juliet today. and hope that her kidneys get better and that she doesnt need surgery.

we are thankful for Stella's health. lyall getting so big and healthy. "Monte" Jaxon is getting big. and we are blessed that his daddy brought him here before he went to Heaven.

we think the best thoughts for Kayl's, Juliet's, and Stella's doctors for any procedure they need to do.

we pray for our internet baby friends and hope all the best for them.

we think of Gavin. and Emrayld. the boy who may be known as Cassius. the Parker baby. the Baker baby. -and pray they come into the world happy and healthy : ]

how blessed are we to have these friends : ]

we also think good thoughts for those that are trying, who are dreaming of a baby. and know that good things will happen for them. :]

its a good life we have here.

im so blessed to have you Julian.

teething...hell!

so...your two first teeth were painless...at least we thought. you rarely cried and you just liked to bite everything.

well the teething fairies have brought you more...6 more...at the same time. when all is said and done you'll have 4 top and 4 bottom teeth. you are taking this pretty hard. screaming, not wanting to eat milk. crying and only wanting mommy and daddy.

we've had our fair share of arguments and im sure that doesnt help...but there are some things to aid in relief.

right now a steady 4 hour drip of tylenol along with Hylands teething Tablets. you like em. you stop crying long enough to take them and then you cuddle.

bananas. or the beech nut veggies. i put a jar in the fridge to make it cold and it helps you eat. i cant figure out how to make you want breast milk or a bottle...i think the sucking hurts your poor mouth.

i had to call into work to stay home with you yesterday and today. and no doctor is open on the weekends. i know its your teeth and it hurts to not be able to fix it.

a lifetime movie plays on tv, im too lazy to get up and change it. : ]

you are way into pots and pans drums! so musical! right now you are at my feet playing with my shoes moaning....ehhhhhhh....ehhhhhh. still cant crawl right yet, but the zombie body drag does its job for ya. we are working on that lower body to help with walking and standing. you love to stand on the side of the couch. its hard to look at baby milestones and not compare you...but you didnt even roll til your 5th month!

you are showing your true personality.

you laugh at cameras pointing at you.

you love to drag yourself to the couch and then get out ANYTHING underneath it.

you like to stand along the couch. or sit on your knees in your crib.

you LOVE the kitties. and you try and say the word all the time. closest youve come is DEEDEE or Hitty. but its a work in progress. you say mama and dada. and are good at sticking with just Mom and Dad. you've even said daddy a couple times.

you watch Law and Order with Nanny every workday.

and whenever we play the theme song or you hear the GungGung you whip your head around.

you are such a big guy.

we've had a lot of concerned parents talk to us about the teething...from frozen washcloths to frozen waffles...cold bagels to alternating motrin and tylenol. its hard to find what will work best for you.

i dont know what i would do without you : ]

you are wonderful baby boy.

9 months now.

you are really a ham.

:]

oh my.

i love you.

those top 4 teeth just broke through and so did #3 on the bottom.

you're miserable, but i have never loved your cuddles more.

you now cry when i say no, and you know what it means : ] smart boy bubba. :]

love you!

our friend michael.

we are praying for mr michael. such a sweet handsome boy : ]

michaelallencurnow.webs.com

...

mommy and daddy may be louder...or quieter than normal.

but we'll never stop being mommy and daddy.

people would be better parents if they knew they didnt have to be invincible...

but they tried to anyway...only half the time.

im broken, with this whole relationship debaucle.

i love.

...

mommy and daddy may be louder...or quieter than normal.

but we'll never stop being mommy and daddy.

people would be better parents if they knew they didnt have to be invincible...

but they tried to anyway...only half the time.

im broken, with this whole relationship debaucle.

i love.

more on the boob front:

i was just thinking.

when i started this relationship with nursing i had my thoughts about it.

my boobs are going to be hard and up to my chin with engorgement.

im going to make so much they will leak.

i will be wearing nursing pads with any outfit.

julian will eat all of his provided food.

i will wait 3 hours and do it again.

i will never run out.

julian will always be happy.

i will be happy.

this makes for happiness.

i was only partly right.

in 2008 an estimated 74% of babies were breastfed at birth according to the CDC NIS statistics

http://www.breastfeedingbasics.org/cgi-bin/deliver.cgi/content/Introduction/sta_us.html

it is NOT easy for all of them.

this is partly why the same group moves down to 43% at 6 months and 21% at one year.

its HARD.

sometimes you have the sore boobs.

one woman i know had them so big her baby couldnt eat from them for over a month until the swelling had gone down, and she subsequently spent weeks trying to get the baby to get back ON the boob from her bottle bipple preference (it IS doable...its hard, but totally doable).

on woman i know wanted so desperately to nurse only to only last 6 excruciating weeks because of her supply problems.

i myself had to start supplementing as we approached 5 months because my milk alone wasnt enough for him. he needed more.

boobs reject pumps.

babies reject boobs.

babies sometimes reject bottles.

babies sometimes do wean themselves.

supply does run low.

supply also sometimes runs high.

sometimes you leak; sometimes you dont.

some women repeatedly get engorged; for others it lasts only a few weeks.

some 4% of babies have tongue ties making latching and nursing difficult.

Cleft Lip/Palate occurs in between one in 600 to one in 800 births...another hindrance to nursing.

i spoke with a woman who would use nipple shields and bottle nipples to help her daughter with a cleft lip nurse.

its not easy. i think when women have to stop before they would like because of any reason they feel like a fdailure. like they are letting their baby down.

in reality, we are letting ourselves down because we set our own expectations.

its hard to shake the mindset. i want desperately to think...wow 8 months of this! ive done a lot more than some! instead i think...whycouldnt i make it those last few months.

im working on it. but itseasier said than done.

we're trying to go a few more weeks at least.

sigh.

im with you ladies.

(updated to add on 02.21.2013: i wish i had known SO much more than i did when i wrote this entry. if any passersby happen upon this know that this doesnt have to be your ending. there is so much i know now that im studying  lactation, than i did when i wrote this and all of this was 100% avoidable...i just had no idea what to do and didnt know where to go. reach out to me, or to a lactation consultant. we can turn this around!)

Julian is losing interest in the Boob.

http://www.alphamom.com/postpartum-mom/2009/08/five_things_i_wish_somebody_to.php

i came across this article on another blog i read, and i felt UNDERSTOOD.

i LOVE nursing.. for Julian and I...its simply an business interaction...but the emotions i feel about him starting to wean himself...i feel like a failure...i feel like he wont have any reason to reach his arms up to me or cry for me or say mama. and i feel like he is pushing me away, telling me he doesnt want me.

i wanted to go for a year.

i went back to work at 4 months.

not a good mathematic equation.

it was quite literally the week of April 18th that i could tell i was gonna lose milk. i had 2x30 minute pumping breaks a day. awesome.

but the boobs hate the pump. i can make enough and julian can get it by mouth, but the pump has never done much good. which is why i have gone through 3. i have worn out 3 pumps. nada.

i tried RX medications. Blessed Thistle. Fenugreek. Lactation Consultants...i even extended my pumping breaks at work from 2 to 3 a day. i tried pumping between feedings. i tried Maple, Oatmeal...any food the internets and books said would work.

when Julians Tongue Tie made nursing damn near impossible, i broke through the pain, got nipple sheilds and started bottles. anythign to get him healthy gaining weight. i wanted this to work damnit.

yet still on a GOOD day, i would get 9 oz in a 10 hour day. the usual average was 6. ugh.

i just wanted him to have the best i could provide. a lot of Formula Feeding moms will argue formula is just as healthy.

Lets face it: its not. breastmilk has nutritional properties that cant be duplicated by formula manufacturers. breast milk is healthier.

i do NOT have ANYthing against formula feeding moms, the food of choice for the baby doesnt identify the type of mom you are. its just not superior or equal to breastmilk. and it sucks that so many moms want to nurse, but lack either the resources or support to overcome troubles. or stay home with their babies. i wish our country had the same maternity leaves as others with higher nursing success rates. 

but one thing is for sure;

i will say, Breastfeeding is TOUGH.

even if you have the milk flowing like the dam broke, it takes commitment. its hard to forgo nights on the town because you dont have enough milk to have drinks and waste 12 hours or more of milk.

its hard to not get any of the "sweet stuff" from your lover up top because of what might happen (lot of friends have had accidents in that area...we prefer to keep them under wraps).

its hard to have to wear breast pads and worry people can see the cotton rounds under your clothes.

its hard...literally, they can be really hard.

and Julian had a tongue tie...the first month of nursing is brutal on ANYONE, especially when the baby physically cant latch. its physically, mentally and emotionally draining.

formula fed babies sleep longer at night (we learned this when we learned my boobs had weaned themselves from julian...and i wasnt making enough after about 8pm). breastfeeding moms have LONGER nights of LESSER sleep.

it does NOT make us better mothers. formula fed mothers are sometimes the best mothers ever. and i will never say something as simple and complex as breastfeeding makes or breaks the abilities of parenthood. but i wanted to do it.

when he started the "latch, delatch, latch delatch" process at about 6 months...i had a really hard time. i was BAWLING that he wouldnt it.

by 7 months he had resorted to slapping and hitting my boobs and getting BORED. Hey mom, a bottle can move WITH me! your boobs stay stationary. what gives?

in addition, when he started screaming and crying because nothign was coming out, i felt like he was angry AT ME!!! it was heartbreaking when i had to give that first bottle of formula. and it was the start of a horrible cycle i wish i could have just never started.

thank you similac for your formula samples you send in the mail. the best piece of junk mail i ever recieved included a few jars of formula i never thought id use.

i thought milk would always flow freely.

no.

after reading this blog, i realized...moms cant set a limit on breastfeeding.

if you want to do it and are able, promise yourself this: We'll do it until it doesnt work for (one or both of) us.

i have a friend who wanted to get to a year. when a year came...she didnt know what to do. it felt wrong it felt empty. something was missing. she reached her goal? she didnt know whether to stop or go. it was a hard decision for her.

right now, Julian is 8 months old.

i feed him around 730 am (sometimes a 3 am feeding if he wakes and is hungry). he gets baby food round 9. i come home for lunch around 1 and nurse him. he gets a bottle of breastmilk or formula around 4 and i come home at 8, nurse what little i can and then he gets a bottle for bed around 930. at work i take NO HR breaks because it takes 6 hours to get full for him. if i take one, the pump takes NOTHING. that is our routine. now that the breastmilk reserves are out the 4pm is goign to formula and thats when i started reading blogs i felt so BAD. like it was my fault and julian wouldnt need me anymore. i know he is weaning himself. and i read that babies will one day refuse the boob. or they will just stop latching and wait for a bottle.

im trying to mentally prepare for it.

but its not easy.

i also learned...its okay to supplement for a night. take a night out with your lover. you will thank yourself. one night of formula wont turn him against you, besides, when the time comes for them to wean, you dont want them refusing the bottle either.

dont knock the non breastfeeding mothers.

one friend of mine told me she was only planning on nursing for 2 weeks. at first my breastfeeding advocate self wanted to talk her into nursing...then after this, im like...good for her for nursing the first two weeks. building up her baby's immune system and everything.

every drop of breastmilk is liquid gold (anyoen who has knocked over 6 oz of freshly squeezed human juice when their supply was low understands how HEARTBREAKING it is.)

accept your fellow moms.

and understand its not your fault.


(updated to add on 02.21.2013: i wish i had known SO much more than i did when i wrote this entry. if any passersby happen upon this know that this doesnt have to be your ending. there is so much i know now that im studying  lactation, than i did when i wrote this and all of this was 100% avoidable...i just had no idea what to do and didnt know where to go. reach out to me, or to a lactation consultant. we can turn this around!)

every forevers.

the first picture is my FAVORITE photo of any i have ever taken. these 2 days i took pictures of us having fun, and just spending our time like we do. we laugh and we play. and its phenomenal.

i want you to know bubba.

i love you more than anything.

i dreamed of who you would be...years before i met you.

i loved you from the MOMENT i knew you were in me...from the moment daddy and i wanted to have you...from the day we decided to try to have you in our lives.

you are an extension of me.

i love you, Julian.

you are such a good boy.

our mommy times are my favorite, when you look at me like i am the only thing ever. when you look at me and smile because of all the fun we have together.

i look at you the same, and that will never change.

the next 8 forevers.

these past 8 months have been the best 8 months of my entire life. not that 22 years is a grand number. but by far, i have never been happier, never LOVED as much as i have loved and never felt as much as i have felt these past 8 months.

you barrell roll everywhere you wanna go.

i can put you on your knees in the crib and you can pull yourself up. you love your toys and you love your mommy and daddy. you love nanny a lot too. you hadnt seen her in 4 days and man were you happy.

Miss Jess and Miss halley are having a baby, and we can hardly wait to meet the little bug.

Juliet is walking.

:] so is William, Mr and Mrs Parkers son. he was born almost 3 months before you...so dont feel intimidated.

:]

im so happy im your mommy Julian.

you bless my life with your smile and your heart. already i know you are going to do great things for people.

im so happy to be your mommy for the next 8 months...years...decades...the next 8 forevers are all yours baby boy. :]

loves.

mommy and daddy.

i have never loved someone so much as i love you julian.

you are my love.

our family is perfect because of you.

i love your daddy...so much more than i can even imagine.

your aunts and uncles...grandparents...your siblings in the future...

im overcome with emotion.

be good JudeBug.

mommy loves you.

i got a tattoo for Mr Andy and Mr Shane and Mr Jesse...the beginning part.

the next one will be for you. and i hope when you are a bit older i can have you write your name and have your handwriting tattood under your tattoo.

undecided ont he bulk of the tat...your hand? your foot? a heart made from your hands?

i love you beau.

Julian

mommy had a girls night last night.

Miss Ash was in town and we, basically, onliterated about 80 Jell-o shots (amazing) and a few random drinks between the two of us.

i crawled into bed at 4, and this new routine dad has been trying with Jude kicked me in the butt. he woke at 7 am. luckily, i was really blessed with a nifty Blood Alcohol Removal process. lol i wasnt drunk or hung over, just definitely had the Vodka Tummy.

Thank the good lord for MilkScreen testing kits, which test the alcohol present in breast milk. it lets you know if you are over 0.02% BAL present in milk, which is the limit for le bebes who are nursing.

ive been haviung trouble with that. along with our new routine which is Julian laying in the bedroom alone at bedtime til he falls asleep (no crying after 2 days :]), this also includes a bottle of formula (i like the soy liquid individual serving formula and Similac Advance Sensitive). my body has not been making the milk in the evening for him. after days of crying over dried milk, i gave in.

im trying to continue at work, but in a 10 hour shift im making between 4-8 ounces, enough for .5 - 1 feeding. the freezer supply is dwindling.

i really love that i nurse him. for the first time yesterday i felt the emotional bond people talk about. i dont feel it on a regular basis, but we had a good time with it. it wasnt this serious slash awkward thing.

i love it being healthier for him and i miss it already that sooner than later im gonna have to stop.

Dr Koletar says that its normal for some babies to wean themselves around this time, but we are gonna try as long as possible.

i totally make enough when im off with him, but the pump just doesnt do its thing enough. its not enough like a baby to give me let down. ive tried everything, Reglan, Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, extra pump breaks at work (totalling 1.5 hours) i come home DAILY on lunch to nurse him. im at my wits end. what else is there to do but keep doing what im doing and hope we can maintain this routine.

early morning feeding.

Angela feeds him bebe food while im at work round 9

i come home between 12 and 2 and nurse

another feeding round 4 of breast milk

i nurse between 645-745

bottle of formula at 9-945

its not fixing the short supply but at least i can maintain.

argh.

man i love you boy.

i found some journal entries from while i was pregnant with you.

i loved that time. i loved that we bonded. ill always remember it, i sometimes wish you could too, so you would know that i have literally loved you more than i could comprehend since that day we started trying for you.

i love you JudeBug.



also
(updated to add on 02.21.2013: i wish i had known SO much more than i did when i wrote this entry. if any passersby happen upon this know that this doesnt have to be your ending. there is so much i know now that im studying  lactation, than i did when i wrote this and all of this was 100% avoidable...i just had no idea what to do and didnt know where to go. reach out to me, or to a lactation consultant. we can turn this around!
also, if any passersby happen to need advice on how to soothe a baby without crying it out, or infomation about why it is not developmentally appropriate, please seek advice from myself or from someone, or just do research. it isnt the best way to go!)

7 months.

you're seven months.

you wear almost 9 months clothes!

you wave and clap and love to "sing" and play the musics.

we went to the beach for Aunt Aylas Wedding to your now uncle Dan.

we went to the beach and played in the big house.

it occurred to me more than ever we area family.

i love you and your dad.

who'd a thunk we'd be where we are?

how can people not want the kids?

you're fabulous.

i want to do something of importance with my life son.

i want to make this world better for you.

we have started putting you to bed and letting you fall asleep alone, and it breaks my heart to hear you cry. i hope you know how much i love you.

you are my world, my life, my heart beat, my breath.

i sure love your daddy too.

we are my favorite family ever.

The Fray

after winning meet n greet passes and tickets to the edgefield concert on the lawn for the fray/jacks mannequin, we hauled butt to portland today to get there on time for the meet n greet,. upon arrival the drawing was done for the grand prize: a signed yamaha keyboard and a private piano lesson with Isaac Slade.

i was drawn : ]

so JudeBug, brother and i went into the meet n greet, and took some GNARLY pictures. a member of the staff even lent us some headphones for Bug.

afterwards they led isaac, the boys n me to the music trailer (thank god for A/C) and isaac asked simply "so, do you want a lesson really, or do you just wanna talk?"

i told him we could just talk and he picked up julian and sat him on his lap, letting him play around on his piano.

we got lots of pictures and just talked to him, real cool guy he is. at the end he reached out his hand to high five jude and he high fived him! smart little 7 month old we have!

and on top of that we got this gnarly little keyboard out of the deal, roughly around 500 bucks i believe. the guys signed it. but not before playign with Jude; they got a HUGE kick out of him. ill post the pictures that the station took on the sony, right now there are some isaac slade pics with J in the Mobile Uploads section of myspace.

had a great day, Jacks Mannequin was awesome. the first opener Vedera (vay dair uh i think its pronounced) was awesome. very paramore-esque with the hot woman voice leading the way.

it was beautiful; the concerts on the lawn series must make mcmenamins BANK!

we're lookin for some music to play on this thing. Jamie and i might take the Les Paul and this little beast (to be named later of course) and write a song together.

it was awesome.

i heart the fray.

just an old but random but adorable foto

of Mahmee cuddles!

7 months old!!

:]

i love you bug.

my big ole judebug.

you are such a bigga boy!

7 months...the best 7 months of my life.

almost 7 months.

its hard to believe...next monday you'll be 7 months.

my dearest JudeBug

you roll around...dont like to statyy still during a diaper change...you like to babble...you can wave, clap, high five and shake your head no...but only when you want to : ]

you loves the people...and tonight you stayed up til everyone left because you wanted to be part of the crowd.

you are having a hellacious time with that second tooth. which means mommy is too.

ive been getting so frustrated i cry...you wont eat...and its been so much work to keep the nursing going.

im gonna keep going for you bubba.

i love you. looking at you makes my spirit happy.

there is a pic at work of your face as my computer background. messy eater.

imma go cuddles with you.

oh yeah and im making bags and supplies...i call my creations B.beau.

i love you baby boy.

my judebug.

-mumma.

About Make Baby Stuff

About Make Baby Stuff

Shared via AddThis



Oh Em Gee!!!!


Amber...you are my new best friend.

AMAZING!

judebug...right now you and mommy and uncle and nanny all have strep throat :(

and im sewing a new bag for my pump.

i found this AMAZING site!!!

all crafty mums should go here!

http://www.make-baby-stuff.com

the diaper bag pattern is awesome...and this person actually made an old dinner placemat into a diaperbag!!!

i LOVE this site and this woman and i need to be friends!

sigh...

big changes...and more babies!

Dear Jude,

i NEVER thought i would be happier than when i met you.

you have kept my happiness going day after day.

there are some new events that have happened.

uncle andy in heaven...his son was born yesterday...to hold him and to feel a part of andy back...was amazing. i felt so wonderful.

Miss Ladies are going to have a baby too.

the IUI worked...and a baby is on the way...

im blown away by the love i can have for anothers children...and it stems from the joyh i have in you.

you're teething...and its hellacious. the white grape juice frozen and chipped away hellps you...it just drips from your mouth like drool lol.

i love you boy. you ar emy soul mate.

we have such fun together. how could i have ever thought i was truly happy before? this happiness is unparalelled.

i love you beau!

baby boy

you are 6 months old now.

you're fabulous.

i have started gettign really crafty recently, in light of the bad joint pain ive been having, daddy will often find me holed up on the couch with hand sewing materials or paint and blocks for your room. i love making things i know will make you happy. i made you painted wooden blocks with your name on it, which are displayed on a shelf until youre old enough. i put the dragons from the baby shower cake around them.

i made you magnet words and magnet dinos for decoration til you're old enough also. :]

and big wooden letters with your name...you like them!

you eat food...all the time. sometimes you refuse milk because you really want food. you polished off almost a whole jar of oatmeal/applesauce in one sitting.

ive been trying so hard to make more milk for you. i love you and want you to be the healthiest baby ever.

im blown away by you.

you are laying next to me just babbling away right now.

you can wave, and high five, and you can also shake your head when we say "no no no" its so cute.

we're taking your first trip to the river tomorrow. :]

and you smell really bad at this exact moment.

im about to go fix that.

i love you bubba.

:]

randoms from your first 6 months. :)

baby boy.

baby boy...

dont ever be judgemental. 

im reading online the newest criticism of the Gosselins and the Duggars. 

Why? Does it matter? if you have negative opinions, avoid dealing with it and letting it affect you. 

its so mean how people can outwardly display their feelings by way of insulting others. 

never be afraid to stand up to people who are being disrespectful. 

we have our own opinions and sometimes judgements are hard to avoid, but the best people always keep that in to avoid hurting others, unless its something that can be constructive. 

after having you, i dont blame the duggars for havin 18. if i knew they would all be like you....i think i'd keep going. 

: ]

rolled over!

on 05.27.2009 you were 5 months old. 

and you rolled over for us. 

we've tried since then to get it again...but you are just too social and hate tummy time. 

we love you and are so proud baby boy. 

just a rad day altogether.

we have SO much fun together as a family. i LOVE it.

dear j.

you're 5 months old today. 

i can hardly believe it. 

my love for you is INCREDIBLE. 

and i am so proud to be your mummy. 

: ]

daddy and i love you!