Julian is losing interest in the Boob.

http://www.alphamom.com/postpartum-mom/2009/08/five_things_i_wish_somebody_to.php

i came across this article on another blog i read, and i felt UNDERSTOOD.

i LOVE nursing.. for Julian and I...its simply an business interaction...but the emotions i feel about him starting to wean himself...i feel like a failure...i feel like he wont have any reason to reach his arms up to me or cry for me or say mama. and i feel like he is pushing me away, telling me he doesnt want me.

i wanted to go for a year.

i went back to work at 4 months.

not a good mathematic equation.

it was quite literally the week of April 18th that i could tell i was gonna lose milk. i had 2x30 minute pumping breaks a day. awesome.

but the boobs hate the pump. i can make enough and julian can get it by mouth, but the pump has never done much good. which is why i have gone through 3. i have worn out 3 pumps. nada.

i tried RX medications. Blessed Thistle. Fenugreek. Lactation Consultants...i even extended my pumping breaks at work from 2 to 3 a day. i tried pumping between feedings. i tried Maple, Oatmeal...any food the internets and books said would work.

when Julians Tongue Tie made nursing damn near impossible, i broke through the pain, got nipple sheilds and started bottles. anythign to get him healthy gaining weight. i wanted this to work damnit.

yet still on a GOOD day, i would get 9 oz in a 10 hour day. the usual average was 6. ugh.

i just wanted him to have the best i could provide. a lot of Formula Feeding moms will argue formula is just as healthy.

Lets face it: its not. breastmilk has nutritional properties that cant be duplicated by formula manufacturers. breast milk is healthier.

i do NOT have ANYthing against formula feeding moms, the food of choice for the baby doesnt identify the type of mom you are. its just not superior or equal to breastmilk. and it sucks that so many moms want to nurse, but lack either the resources or support to overcome troubles. or stay home with their babies. i wish our country had the same maternity leaves as others with higher nursing success rates. 

but one thing is for sure;

i will say, Breastfeeding is TOUGH.

even if you have the milk flowing like the dam broke, it takes commitment. its hard to forgo nights on the town because you dont have enough milk to have drinks and waste 12 hours or more of milk.

its hard to not get any of the "sweet stuff" from your lover up top because of what might happen (lot of friends have had accidents in that area...we prefer to keep them under wraps).

its hard to have to wear breast pads and worry people can see the cotton rounds under your clothes.

its hard...literally, they can be really hard.

and Julian had a tongue tie...the first month of nursing is brutal on ANYONE, especially when the baby physically cant latch. its physically, mentally and emotionally draining.

formula fed babies sleep longer at night (we learned this when we learned my boobs had weaned themselves from julian...and i wasnt making enough after about 8pm). breastfeeding moms have LONGER nights of LESSER sleep.

it does NOT make us better mothers. formula fed mothers are sometimes the best mothers ever. and i will never say something as simple and complex as breastfeeding makes or breaks the abilities of parenthood. but i wanted to do it.

when he started the "latch, delatch, latch delatch" process at about 6 months...i had a really hard time. i was BAWLING that he wouldnt it.

by 7 months he had resorted to slapping and hitting my boobs and getting BORED. Hey mom, a bottle can move WITH me! your boobs stay stationary. what gives?

in addition, when he started screaming and crying because nothign was coming out, i felt like he was angry AT ME!!! it was heartbreaking when i had to give that first bottle of formula. and it was the start of a horrible cycle i wish i could have just never started.

thank you similac for your formula samples you send in the mail. the best piece of junk mail i ever recieved included a few jars of formula i never thought id use.

i thought milk would always flow freely.

no.

after reading this blog, i realized...moms cant set a limit on breastfeeding.

if you want to do it and are able, promise yourself this: We'll do it until it doesnt work for (one or both of) us.

i have a friend who wanted to get to a year. when a year came...she didnt know what to do. it felt wrong it felt empty. something was missing. she reached her goal? she didnt know whether to stop or go. it was a hard decision for her.

right now, Julian is 8 months old.

i feed him around 730 am (sometimes a 3 am feeding if he wakes and is hungry). he gets baby food round 9. i come home for lunch around 1 and nurse him. he gets a bottle of breastmilk or formula around 4 and i come home at 8, nurse what little i can and then he gets a bottle for bed around 930. at work i take NO HR breaks because it takes 6 hours to get full for him. if i take one, the pump takes NOTHING. that is our routine. now that the breastmilk reserves are out the 4pm is goign to formula and thats when i started reading blogs i felt so BAD. like it was my fault and julian wouldnt need me anymore. i know he is weaning himself. and i read that babies will one day refuse the boob. or they will just stop latching and wait for a bottle.

im trying to mentally prepare for it.

but its not easy.

i also learned...its okay to supplement for a night. take a night out with your lover. you will thank yourself. one night of formula wont turn him against you, besides, when the time comes for them to wean, you dont want them refusing the bottle either.

dont knock the non breastfeeding mothers.

one friend of mine told me she was only planning on nursing for 2 weeks. at first my breastfeeding advocate self wanted to talk her into nursing...then after this, im like...good for her for nursing the first two weeks. building up her baby's immune system and everything.

every drop of breastmilk is liquid gold (anyoen who has knocked over 6 oz of freshly squeezed human juice when their supply was low understands how HEARTBREAKING it is.)

accept your fellow moms.

and understand its not your fault.


(updated to add on 02.21.2013: i wish i had known SO much more than i did when i wrote this entry. if any passersby happen upon this know that this doesnt have to be your ending. there is so much i know now that im studying  lactation, than i did when i wrote this and all of this was 100% avoidable...i just had no idea what to do and didnt know where to go. reach out to me, or to a lactation consultant. we can turn this around!)