Julian

mommy had a girls night last night.

Miss Ash was in town and we, basically, onliterated about 80 Jell-o shots (amazing) and a few random drinks between the two of us.

i crawled into bed at 4, and this new routine dad has been trying with Jude kicked me in the butt. he woke at 7 am. luckily, i was really blessed with a nifty Blood Alcohol Removal process. lol i wasnt drunk or hung over, just definitely had the Vodka Tummy.

Thank the good lord for MilkScreen testing kits, which test the alcohol present in breast milk. it lets you know if you are over 0.02% BAL present in milk, which is the limit for le bebes who are nursing.

ive been haviung trouble with that. along with our new routine which is Julian laying in the bedroom alone at bedtime til he falls asleep (no crying after 2 days :]), this also includes a bottle of formula (i like the soy liquid individual serving formula and Similac Advance Sensitive). my body has not been making the milk in the evening for him. after days of crying over dried milk, i gave in.

im trying to continue at work, but in a 10 hour shift im making between 4-8 ounces, enough for .5 - 1 feeding. the freezer supply is dwindling.

i really love that i nurse him. for the first time yesterday i felt the emotional bond people talk about. i dont feel it on a regular basis, but we had a good time with it. it wasnt this serious slash awkward thing.

i love it being healthier for him and i miss it already that sooner than later im gonna have to stop.

Dr Koletar says that its normal for some babies to wean themselves around this time, but we are gonna try as long as possible.

i totally make enough when im off with him, but the pump just doesnt do its thing enough. its not enough like a baby to give me let down. ive tried everything, Reglan, Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, extra pump breaks at work (totalling 1.5 hours) i come home DAILY on lunch to nurse him. im at my wits end. what else is there to do but keep doing what im doing and hope we can maintain this routine.

early morning feeding.

Angela feeds him bebe food while im at work round 9

i come home between 12 and 2 and nurse

another feeding round 4 of breast milk

i nurse between 645-745

bottle of formula at 9-945

its not fixing the short supply but at least i can maintain.

argh.

man i love you boy.

i found some journal entries from while i was pregnant with you.

i loved that time. i loved that we bonded. ill always remember it, i sometimes wish you could too, so you would know that i have literally loved you more than i could comprehend since that day we started trying for you.

i love you JudeBug.



also
(updated to add on 02.21.2013: i wish i had known SO much more than i did when i wrote this entry. if any passersby happen upon this know that this doesnt have to be your ending. there is so much i know now that im studying  lactation, than i did when i wrote this and all of this was 100% avoidable...i just had no idea what to do and didnt know where to go. reach out to me, or to a lactation consultant. we can turn this around!
also, if any passersby happen to need advice on how to soothe a baby without crying it out, or infomation about why it is not developmentally appropriate, please seek advice from myself or from someone, or just do research. it isnt the best way to go!)