more on the boob front:

i was just thinking.

when i started this relationship with nursing i had my thoughts about it.

my boobs are going to be hard and up to my chin with engorgement.

im going to make so much they will leak.

i will be wearing nursing pads with any outfit.

julian will eat all of his provided food.

i will wait 3 hours and do it again.

i will never run out.

julian will always be happy.

i will be happy.

this makes for happiness.

i was only partly right.

in 2008 an estimated 74% of babies were breastfed at birth according to the CDC NIS statistics

http://www.breastfeedingbasics.org/cgi-bin/deliver.cgi/content/Introduction/sta_us.html

it is NOT easy for all of them.

this is partly why the same group moves down to 43% at 6 months and 21% at one year.

its HARD.

sometimes you have the sore boobs.

one woman i know had them so big her baby couldnt eat from them for over a month until the swelling had gone down, and she subsequently spent weeks trying to get the baby to get back ON the boob from her bottle bipple preference (it IS doable...its hard, but totally doable).

on woman i know wanted so desperately to nurse only to only last 6 excruciating weeks because of her supply problems.

i myself had to start supplementing as we approached 5 months because my milk alone wasnt enough for him. he needed more.

boobs reject pumps.

babies reject boobs.

babies sometimes reject bottles.

babies sometimes do wean themselves.

supply does run low.

supply also sometimes runs high.

sometimes you leak; sometimes you dont.

some women repeatedly get engorged; for others it lasts only a few weeks.

some 4% of babies have tongue ties making latching and nursing difficult.

Cleft Lip/Palate occurs in between one in 600 to one in 800 births...another hindrance to nursing.

i spoke with a woman who would use nipple shields and bottle nipples to help her daughter with a cleft lip nurse.

its not easy. i think when women have to stop before they would like because of any reason they feel like a fdailure. like they are letting their baby down.

in reality, we are letting ourselves down because we set our own expectations.

its hard to shake the mindset. i want desperately to think...wow 8 months of this! ive done a lot more than some! instead i think...whycouldnt i make it those last few months.

im working on it. but itseasier said than done.

we're trying to go a few more weeks at least.

sigh.

im with you ladies.

(updated to add on 02.21.2013: i wish i had known SO much more than i did when i wrote this entry. if any passersby happen upon this know that this doesnt have to be your ending. there is so much i know now that im studying  lactation, than i did when i wrote this and all of this was 100% avoidable...i just had no idea what to do and didnt know where to go. reach out to me, or to a lactation consultant. we can turn this around!)

Julian is losing interest in the Boob.

http://www.alphamom.com/postpartum-mom/2009/08/five_things_i_wish_somebody_to.php

i came across this article on another blog i read, and i felt UNDERSTOOD.

i LOVE nursing.. for Julian and I...its simply an business interaction...but the emotions i feel about him starting to wean himself...i feel like a failure...i feel like he wont have any reason to reach his arms up to me or cry for me or say mama. and i feel like he is pushing me away, telling me he doesnt want me.

i wanted to go for a year.

i went back to work at 4 months.

not a good mathematic equation.

it was quite literally the week of April 18th that i could tell i was gonna lose milk. i had 2x30 minute pumping breaks a day. awesome.

but the boobs hate the pump. i can make enough and julian can get it by mouth, but the pump has never done much good. which is why i have gone through 3. i have worn out 3 pumps. nada.

i tried RX medications. Blessed Thistle. Fenugreek. Lactation Consultants...i even extended my pumping breaks at work from 2 to 3 a day. i tried pumping between feedings. i tried Maple, Oatmeal...any food the internets and books said would work.

when Julians Tongue Tie made nursing damn near impossible, i broke through the pain, got nipple sheilds and started bottles. anythign to get him healthy gaining weight. i wanted this to work damnit.

yet still on a GOOD day, i would get 9 oz in a 10 hour day. the usual average was 6. ugh.

i just wanted him to have the best i could provide. a lot of Formula Feeding moms will argue formula is just as healthy.

Lets face it: its not. breastmilk has nutritional properties that cant be duplicated by formula manufacturers. breast milk is healthier.

i do NOT have ANYthing against formula feeding moms, the food of choice for the baby doesnt identify the type of mom you are. its just not superior or equal to breastmilk. and it sucks that so many moms want to nurse, but lack either the resources or support to overcome troubles. or stay home with their babies. i wish our country had the same maternity leaves as others with higher nursing success rates. 

but one thing is for sure;

i will say, Breastfeeding is TOUGH.

even if you have the milk flowing like the dam broke, it takes commitment. its hard to forgo nights on the town because you dont have enough milk to have drinks and waste 12 hours or more of milk.

its hard to not get any of the "sweet stuff" from your lover up top because of what might happen (lot of friends have had accidents in that area...we prefer to keep them under wraps).

its hard to have to wear breast pads and worry people can see the cotton rounds under your clothes.

its hard...literally, they can be really hard.

and Julian had a tongue tie...the first month of nursing is brutal on ANYONE, especially when the baby physically cant latch. its physically, mentally and emotionally draining.

formula fed babies sleep longer at night (we learned this when we learned my boobs had weaned themselves from julian...and i wasnt making enough after about 8pm). breastfeeding moms have LONGER nights of LESSER sleep.

it does NOT make us better mothers. formula fed mothers are sometimes the best mothers ever. and i will never say something as simple and complex as breastfeeding makes or breaks the abilities of parenthood. but i wanted to do it.

when he started the "latch, delatch, latch delatch" process at about 6 months...i had a really hard time. i was BAWLING that he wouldnt it.

by 7 months he had resorted to slapping and hitting my boobs and getting BORED. Hey mom, a bottle can move WITH me! your boobs stay stationary. what gives?

in addition, when he started screaming and crying because nothign was coming out, i felt like he was angry AT ME!!! it was heartbreaking when i had to give that first bottle of formula. and it was the start of a horrible cycle i wish i could have just never started.

thank you similac for your formula samples you send in the mail. the best piece of junk mail i ever recieved included a few jars of formula i never thought id use.

i thought milk would always flow freely.

no.

after reading this blog, i realized...moms cant set a limit on breastfeeding.

if you want to do it and are able, promise yourself this: We'll do it until it doesnt work for (one or both of) us.

i have a friend who wanted to get to a year. when a year came...she didnt know what to do. it felt wrong it felt empty. something was missing. she reached her goal? she didnt know whether to stop or go. it was a hard decision for her.

right now, Julian is 8 months old.

i feed him around 730 am (sometimes a 3 am feeding if he wakes and is hungry). he gets baby food round 9. i come home for lunch around 1 and nurse him. he gets a bottle of breastmilk or formula around 4 and i come home at 8, nurse what little i can and then he gets a bottle for bed around 930. at work i take NO HR breaks because it takes 6 hours to get full for him. if i take one, the pump takes NOTHING. that is our routine. now that the breastmilk reserves are out the 4pm is goign to formula and thats when i started reading blogs i felt so BAD. like it was my fault and julian wouldnt need me anymore. i know he is weaning himself. and i read that babies will one day refuse the boob. or they will just stop latching and wait for a bottle.

im trying to mentally prepare for it.

but its not easy.

i also learned...its okay to supplement for a night. take a night out with your lover. you will thank yourself. one night of formula wont turn him against you, besides, when the time comes for them to wean, you dont want them refusing the bottle either.

dont knock the non breastfeeding mothers.

one friend of mine told me she was only planning on nursing for 2 weeks. at first my breastfeeding advocate self wanted to talk her into nursing...then after this, im like...good for her for nursing the first two weeks. building up her baby's immune system and everything.

every drop of breastmilk is liquid gold (anyoen who has knocked over 6 oz of freshly squeezed human juice when their supply was low understands how HEARTBREAKING it is.)

accept your fellow moms.

and understand its not your fault.


(updated to add on 02.21.2013: i wish i had known SO much more than i did when i wrote this entry. if any passersby happen upon this know that this doesnt have to be your ending. there is so much i know now that im studying  lactation, than i did when i wrote this and all of this was 100% avoidable...i just had no idea what to do and didnt know where to go. reach out to me, or to a lactation consultant. we can turn this around!)

every forevers.

the first picture is my FAVORITE photo of any i have ever taken. these 2 days i took pictures of us having fun, and just spending our time like we do. we laugh and we play. and its phenomenal.

i want you to know bubba.

i love you more than anything.

i dreamed of who you would be...years before i met you.

i loved you from the MOMENT i knew you were in me...from the moment daddy and i wanted to have you...from the day we decided to try to have you in our lives.

you are an extension of me.

i love you, Julian.

you are such a good boy.

our mommy times are my favorite, when you look at me like i am the only thing ever. when you look at me and smile because of all the fun we have together.

i look at you the same, and that will never change.

the next 8 forevers.

these past 8 months have been the best 8 months of my entire life. not that 22 years is a grand number. but by far, i have never been happier, never LOVED as much as i have loved and never felt as much as i have felt these past 8 months.

you barrell roll everywhere you wanna go.

i can put you on your knees in the crib and you can pull yourself up. you love your toys and you love your mommy and daddy. you love nanny a lot too. you hadnt seen her in 4 days and man were you happy.

Miss Jess and Miss halley are having a baby, and we can hardly wait to meet the little bug.

Juliet is walking.

:] so is William, Mr and Mrs Parkers son. he was born almost 3 months before you...so dont feel intimidated.

:]

im so happy im your mommy Julian.

you bless my life with your smile and your heart. already i know you are going to do great things for people.

im so happy to be your mommy for the next 8 months...years...decades...the next 8 forevers are all yours baby boy. :]

loves.

mommy and daddy.

i have never loved someone so much as i love you julian.

you are my love.

our family is perfect because of you.

i love your daddy...so much more than i can even imagine.

your aunts and uncles...grandparents...your siblings in the future...

im overcome with emotion.

be good JudeBug.

mommy loves you.

i got a tattoo for Mr Andy and Mr Shane and Mr Jesse...the beginning part.

the next one will be for you. and i hope when you are a bit older i can have you write your name and have your handwriting tattood under your tattoo.

undecided ont he bulk of the tat...your hand? your foot? a heart made from your hands?

i love you beau.

Julian

mommy had a girls night last night.

Miss Ash was in town and we, basically, onliterated about 80 Jell-o shots (amazing) and a few random drinks between the two of us.

i crawled into bed at 4, and this new routine dad has been trying with Jude kicked me in the butt. he woke at 7 am. luckily, i was really blessed with a nifty Blood Alcohol Removal process. lol i wasnt drunk or hung over, just definitely had the Vodka Tummy.

Thank the good lord for MilkScreen testing kits, which test the alcohol present in breast milk. it lets you know if you are over 0.02% BAL present in milk, which is the limit for le bebes who are nursing.

ive been haviung trouble with that. along with our new routine which is Julian laying in the bedroom alone at bedtime til he falls asleep (no crying after 2 days :]), this also includes a bottle of formula (i like the soy liquid individual serving formula and Similac Advance Sensitive). my body has not been making the milk in the evening for him. after days of crying over dried milk, i gave in.

im trying to continue at work, but in a 10 hour shift im making between 4-8 ounces, enough for .5 - 1 feeding. the freezer supply is dwindling.

i really love that i nurse him. for the first time yesterday i felt the emotional bond people talk about. i dont feel it on a regular basis, but we had a good time with it. it wasnt this serious slash awkward thing.

i love it being healthier for him and i miss it already that sooner than later im gonna have to stop.

Dr Koletar says that its normal for some babies to wean themselves around this time, but we are gonna try as long as possible.

i totally make enough when im off with him, but the pump just doesnt do its thing enough. its not enough like a baby to give me let down. ive tried everything, Reglan, Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, extra pump breaks at work (totalling 1.5 hours) i come home DAILY on lunch to nurse him. im at my wits end. what else is there to do but keep doing what im doing and hope we can maintain this routine.

early morning feeding.

Angela feeds him bebe food while im at work round 9

i come home between 12 and 2 and nurse

another feeding round 4 of breast milk

i nurse between 645-745

bottle of formula at 9-945

its not fixing the short supply but at least i can maintain.

argh.

man i love you boy.

i found some journal entries from while i was pregnant with you.

i loved that time. i loved that we bonded. ill always remember it, i sometimes wish you could too, so you would know that i have literally loved you more than i could comprehend since that day we started trying for you.

i love you JudeBug.



also
(updated to add on 02.21.2013: i wish i had known SO much more than i did when i wrote this entry. if any passersby happen upon this know that this doesnt have to be your ending. there is so much i know now that im studying  lactation, than i did when i wrote this and all of this was 100% avoidable...i just had no idea what to do and didnt know where to go. reach out to me, or to a lactation consultant. we can turn this around!
also, if any passersby happen to need advice on how to soothe a baby without crying it out, or infomation about why it is not developmentally appropriate, please seek advice from myself or from someone, or just do research. it isnt the best way to go!)

7 months.

you're seven months.

you wear almost 9 months clothes!

you wave and clap and love to "sing" and play the musics.

we went to the beach for Aunt Aylas Wedding to your now uncle Dan.

we went to the beach and played in the big house.

it occurred to me more than ever we area family.

i love you and your dad.

who'd a thunk we'd be where we are?

how can people not want the kids?

you're fabulous.

i want to do something of importance with my life son.

i want to make this world better for you.

we have started putting you to bed and letting you fall asleep alone, and it breaks my heart to hear you cry. i hope you know how much i love you.

you are my world, my life, my heart beat, my breath.

i sure love your daddy too.

we are my favorite family ever.

The Fray

after winning meet n greet passes and tickets to the edgefield concert on the lawn for the fray/jacks mannequin, we hauled butt to portland today to get there on time for the meet n greet,. upon arrival the drawing was done for the grand prize: a signed yamaha keyboard and a private piano lesson with Isaac Slade.

i was drawn : ]

so JudeBug, brother and i went into the meet n greet, and took some GNARLY pictures. a member of the staff even lent us some headphones for Bug.

afterwards they led isaac, the boys n me to the music trailer (thank god for A/C) and isaac asked simply "so, do you want a lesson really, or do you just wanna talk?"

i told him we could just talk and he picked up julian and sat him on his lap, letting him play around on his piano.

we got lots of pictures and just talked to him, real cool guy he is. at the end he reached out his hand to high five jude and he high fived him! smart little 7 month old we have!

and on top of that we got this gnarly little keyboard out of the deal, roughly around 500 bucks i believe. the guys signed it. but not before playign with Jude; they got a HUGE kick out of him. ill post the pictures that the station took on the sony, right now there are some isaac slade pics with J in the Mobile Uploads section of myspace.

had a great day, Jacks Mannequin was awesome. the first opener Vedera (vay dair uh i think its pronounced) was awesome. very paramore-esque with the hot woman voice leading the way.

it was beautiful; the concerts on the lawn series must make mcmenamins BANK!

we're lookin for some music to play on this thing. Jamie and i might take the Les Paul and this little beast (to be named later of course) and write a song together.

it was awesome.

i heart the fray.

just an old but random but adorable foto

of Mahmee cuddles!