mothers.

oh my dear julian. 

i have a friend, someone close to my heart. 

she was to have a baby, just like you. 

but the day he was going to be borned, he had to go to heaven instead. 

I hope this is explained further and maybe prevented when you are an adult. 

things like PCOS (where a lady has cysts on her ovaries) and endometriosis, like mummy has, and unexplained infertility, stillbirth (where the baby goes to heaven instead of being borned), miscarriage (a tinier baby goes to heaven months before being borned), birth defects, sids (where a baby goes to heaven in their sleeps). these things hurt so many people. 

im blown away by how much hurt there is for mothers who dont have their babies. 

some people are MEANT to be mothers.

Julian, in the years of treatment i had before you came, i was a mother already. my heart was there, i was your mother, but god had to finish you. 

we can research everything there is to research, and not find the answer, and it scares me. 

it scares me and it hurts me. to see someone i care about hurting. i never realized how much it hurts to watch someone you love hurts. 
it almost parallels being the one in pain yourself. 

i hope these feelings and experiences are sparce for you. 

never take these things for granted. 

a baby is a blessing. YOU are a blessing. 

today i took some video of you. 

and ive been taking pictures like crazy. 

you are 3 months old sweet pea. 

and i could not be more amazed at your smile. 

today daddy and i talked about how much we hope that we can make you an older brother someday; it might be really hard, and it might not happen. but you are our life baby boy, and even if you are the only one, we could not be happier. everyday that goes by i take a few moments to thank god for another day with you here.

if anyone else in the cyber world has some answers into the mysteries of the natural born mothers being denied their yearning for motherhood, please impart them upon me. 

in the meantime i have some soul searching to do. 

a goal i have is to one day carry a child for someone, or donate the healthy eggs that i have to someone it was meant for. 

Daddy has a slight issue with this happening anytime soon....but there are so many people who are parents just waiting for their babies, and maybe i can help in the equation. 

Julian Russell Charles. 

I love you SO much. 

(you are sticking your tongue out further now...i surely hope that everything goes fine with your little tongue. you dont let things get in your way thats for sure. love you bub.)