my baby you'll be.

 Mahmee has been having a rough day. 

I am missing the things i never got the chance to have. 

parents. 

I dont talk much about my mother and father, because it is rough for me. I dont want to speak ill of this man and woman, but i dont have much nice to say, very few positives to point out. 

the bottom line is that I dont feel as though i am a loved child. I dont have a home to always go back to. I dont have a father deserving of walking me down the aisle. until last year, he didnt know the correct way to spell my middle name, and in the past he has been a month off in wishing me a happy birthday. He is not a bad man. while we dont see eye to eye on things he is not a "dead-beat" like some. 

we didnt see each other or speak for about 13 years. we found each other, and it has been so hands off since. but again, he isnt a dead beat. he isnt lazy or corrupt. He had his own business for years, a house, a family. He has a wife he has been with for 20 years. he has 2 other daughters with her that he loves and is fiercely proud of. unfortunately he also is an out of sight out of mind type fella, and myself and another daughter of his are not on his radar. 

He and I have seen each other, we send messages every now and then, but there is no long term investment in the process of parenting. We spent so much time apart mentally that i just dont think he knows how to be the father i needed. He hasnt had a listening ear, or a willingness to work tooth and nail to have his oldest as a priority. He loves to see pictures of you two, but has not seen Maya in person at all, nor seen you of his own volition since his birth. 

He is just absent. when i let myself think of it...i feel so unloved. unworthy. unappreciated and unfdathered. 

my mother. she was wonderful until my former stepfather introduced her into a world of bad. she eventually divorced him, but remained in a bad way, partaking in substance abuse that has never stopped affecting me. You see, she forced me out of the home when i was 16, and though she has since stopped using, our relationship has never recovered. she has never sought forgiveness, never admitted fault. never worked on it. I have not spoken to her in quite awhile. she has not called. she feels entitled and while i think i can tell there is shame, she does not want to overcome the problems. i have not had any semblance of a  "mom" since i was 11, and honestly, i havent had a GOOD mother since i was about 7.

today this bothers me. I watched a woman on television who was visiting with her mother, and there was this incredible connection between the two. she was a woman in her 40s and her mother was in her 60s, yet the relationship was wonderful. proof that parenting continues until death and beyond. its not an 18 year gig, thankfully. I want nothing more than a lifelong commitment to you babies. 

It made me realize i spent childhood, my teenage years and early twenties in sadness...and thats not going to end as i get older. ill always miss it. ill always be yearning for that something.

but here is the thing....i get to BE THAT for YOU.
a man and his mother can be a very special bond, it can also be simple and one layered. i want the former. i want something so special that when you arean adult and famous and someone asks you about your mom and dad you smile with your eyes and speak fondly of us as a close unit. i want you to feel the love we feel and live it like we do.
i dont just want to be your biological mother i want something MORE. im greedy for more. i want to be mahmee for always. that is a tall order that i must earn and darn it im going to try. 

my Julian. Sweet Sweet Julian. 

the first soulmate i have ever had. 

my sun, my boy, my baby. 

im learning so much about you and over the years have promised, in this blog, many many loving things. 

i have learned lessons and made mistakes and surprised myself in the ways of parenting. i had all these ideas when i became a parent...and then i met YOU. i met you and my ideas of parenting changed. 

i now have different plans, different ideas, different thoughts. different methods. but my love, and promises and hopes for you are all the same. 

here they are, an incomplete list in one place for you. itll change only slightly as we grow old together. but it will always have the same core: love. 

i promise you fights. 

i promise you arguments and i promise you might call me a name or two and i promise i'll cry. 

i promise that sometimes ill overstep your pda boundaries. 

i promise that i will let you play with my hair as long as you'll have it. 

ill tickle your back gently if you want, cuddle with you more often than you want, and will always kiss you goodnight, even if i have to sneak in after you are sleeping to do so. 

i promiseto upset you, to make you happy, to make you angry, i promise to do everything i can to not upset you, but i promise sometimes i will fail. i promise you lessons, all the time. 

i promise you expectations. i know your potential and i promise to help you get to them, and do all that you are capable of that you dream of. 

i promise you honesty and openness. i promise you an open ear, a shoulder, an embrace. 

i promise that you wont disappoint me. i promise to love who you are, and love every memory i have of us, and to be something bigger to you than you will ever acknowledge. i promise sometimes you will take for granted my love for you, and i promise to never grow weary in doing it anyway. 

i promise a mom forever, not until you are 18, not until you get married and have a family of your own. i promise to mom you forever. 

i promise that we will have to talk about things at some point, things like sex, drugs, relationships, marriage, family, religion, mistakes, embarrassments. but i promise i will love you through it all, daddy and i will answer your questions and tell you our stories and love you as you, or we, find your way through them. 

i promise to show you what a good woman is. i know that i show you how awoman should treat a man and his family and heart, and i promise to show you what you deserve. i promise to love daddy, and to be that for daddy and respect and honor who he is in your life. i promise to make sure you learn how to drive, learn how to love, learn how to work and dream and study. i promise to find any answers i dont know. i promise to make you uncomfortable and embarrassed and irritated. i promise to tease you gently, and make you laugh hard. i promise to show you happiness. i promise to support and encourage you, to love your individuality and stand close behind you as you find your path. i promise to cry when that takes you far from me, and call you a little too often. i promise pictures and stories and a level head. 

i promise that i will respect those you bring to us, and when you find someone you love, i promise to learn to love them like you and see them the way you do. 

i promise that while sometimes i will struggle with the way things are turning out, i will always be your rock. i will always remember the day you came into my life, the day i foudn out you were inside of me, the day you came out into this world and my heart became a person...a blond haired blue eyed beautiful beautiful boy. i promise to never forget that you have a gentle soul, an emotional, sensitive soul and a kind heart that sometimes requires roughhousing, but sometimes requires gentle love. 

i promise you tag!

i promise you i will stay as healthy as i can to give you as many years as humanly possible. 

i promise you i will piss you off. 

and i promise you that i will care about it. 

i promise you imagination and pretend and games. 

i promise to not let us grow apart by doing anything i can. 

i promise family dinners and holidays and gifts or special things just because. i promise you dates. i promise movie dates, and hot chocolate//chocolate milk dates that will turn into coffee dates. i promise to teach you about money and saving and providing. i promise to teach you about love. i promise to show you happiness and what happiness looks like. i promise a family bed when it is stormy out, and ill cuddle you when you have a bad dream. 

i promise to offer my head whenever you want to get my hair, and i promise to give you affection in whichever way you let me. 

i promise to let you jump in puddles sometimes. i promise to give you treats before dinner just because. i promise to guard you from pain or hurt, but to let you do things to be a kid. 

i promise to let you be a kid when you are a kid, be a teenager when you are a teenager and be an adult when you are adult...matter of fact, i promise to make sure you do those things. 

i promise to be yuour mom regardless of anything, and i will tailor that to YOU. i see you changing and transforming. i sometimes see phases of extreme independence and it breaks my heart at times but i embrace your soul, your being. 

i promise to always be here when your independence needs a break, and i promise to always always always be proud of you. 

i promise to tell you these things often. and i promise to sometimes tell you these things too often.

i promise to hold you to a standard of a son, a man, and an older brother and to treat you as the person you are. i promise to have no expectations of WHAT you become, only to love the person you are. 

i promise to listen with open ears as you tell me your plans and dreams, i promise to give my input constructively and with love and desire for your happiness. i promise to make you think, to make you work, to push your limits to find out who you are. i promise to love you unconditionally. 

i promise to tell you no sometimes, tell you yes sometimes, and sometimes say nothing at all. 

i promise to do whatever it takes to give you the life you need, want, deserve. 

and i promise you will never feel anything less than wanted, loved, appreciated, and perfect to us. 

i promise all of these things as your mother.

and i promise nothing you can do will ever change that. 

i love you with an all consuming love. 

i will love you to the end of everything. not life nor death nor distance nor memory will ever take that away from us. 

when i am not here, when i am, when you can see me, when you can not, when you feel me and when you dont. i love you. 

and i promise you that.