a very sensitive area...and subject.

this may seem weird little one, but i did want to talk to you about a choice i made as your parent, the first, and definitely not the last, one that i will learn from. 

a very personal choice is made in the life of a mother of a son. 

one of those involves his own body. she has a choice that has to be made: to circumcise or to leave intact. 

i wish that i would have made the other choice. 

While i am hesitant to put this out in the blogosphere, lets face it, i dont have many followers, so i dont think this is going to affect you in a negative way, but maybe it will help other mothers with their choice. additionally, know that i try to protect our identities, so that it wont bite me in the butt later. but here goes.

When i learned you were a boy, i just assumed we would do what daddy preferred, to "match" if you will. and so there wasnt any real discussion on the matter. 

but after you were born, the procedure was done, and what was left was a poor wound that never HAD to be a wound. and one that was so upsetting to me, because you were in pain, that I asked daddy to change 100% of your diapers until it healed. 

it spurred me to look at research and information, and I learned that the "medical benefits" are moot really and while it is legal, it is not medically necessary, and often times, considered simply cosmetic.

it basically comes down to preference. 

and i felt bad because the preference should not have been mine. 

it is not my body. it is YOUR body. 

it is not CLEANER to circumcise, it is just different to clean. both options must be cleaned the same amount, and one is not generally "cleaner" than the other. 

it is not equal in its nerve endings, and it is really a cosmetic issue. 

more babies have troubles with circumcision wounds or injuries than have with intact body parts.

After thinking about it long and hard I wish i could go back and change my choice to this: that I left you intact until you were old enough to research the procedure and risks and benefits yourself. then i would have paid for it. just as i did when you were a baby. 

its something that i can not undo, and if for some reason you are ever upset that i made the choice i made, i truly apologize. 

they say "when you know better, you do better" and this has been true of my parenting with you, and your sister for that matter. 

I have always done what i thought was best, and in some cases i was poorly educated or just wrong, and once i realized my mistake, i corrected it. in this case, it cant be corrected and for that i am sorry. 

i love you, and you were born perfect. 

you were born with a tongue tie, one that really interrupted our breastfeeding relationship, but for 3 months after i refused to correct it, because "he is fine the way he was born!" i would say...funny coming from someone who chose to alter her child's appearance for cosmetic and superficial reasons. same with Sister's ears. someone once asked if i was going to get her ears pierced. i could only look at them like they were crazy. the thought had never crept into my mind because she wasnt old enough to request it. why would ij pierce her ears without her consent to it? besides, at a young age she wouldnt care nor would she "benefit" from the physical decoration that it entailed. 

but again, this is the same mindset of a woman who chose to alter her sons perfectly formed and perfectly functioning body because it was just "routine" and "common". 

when in reality...i DONT want you to do "What everyone else is doing". i DONT want you to make decisions based on what a % of the other kids in your class have done or your friends have done etc. 

NONE of THEM matter. YOU matter. and while it could be that you read this and say "mom...i dont care. i dont mind at all that you did that." theres the possibility thata you think about it, and for even a brief moment (or longer) you wish you had the choice and i have taken that away from you. 

Please know my boy, that i love you. INCREDIBLY. 

and while daddy and i may have different views on things, like this for example, thats okay. 

i want you to know in this situation, as well as ANY other situation you face, you will have Daddy or Me to come to to talk to about anything. and nothing is off limits. 

i cant guarantee that i will not continue to make periodic mistakes. 

but i will always admit when i am wrong, i will always say sorry when i have wronged you and seek reconciliation and forgiveness and

i PROMISE, i will always do better, when i know better. i love you baby.