youre with daddy

and its lonely without you.

i miss you SO much when you are gone.

you are my number one, my soul mate, my heart, my greatest love.

i love you Julian Russell Charles

reading back...

reading back on old posts i realized...in 10 months since january 2010 you went from barely walking and saying "da da da" to running around and saying things like "daddy i watch the blazer game?" and singing your whole alphabet and other songs. you speak SO well and walk SO well. im SO amazed by you.

my little boy.

you're PERFECT for me. : ]

night with bug.

Reading.

More Reading.

Touches Mahmee's heart.

i love you and all that you are you smart little guy.

thank you for showing me that while life is hard...love is what matters.

Just Love.

you'll always bring me down to the ground when my head is in the sky and keep my head high when im dragging along the ground.

Goodness i love you.

Today mahmee's friend Elizabeth, who you call "Izzabeth" surprised us with milk and crackers to fill your tummy.

random acts of kindness love. doing things for other people is what this is all about.

Judaism stresses something called "Tikkun Olam" which means repairing the world.

that is our life, our goal, our mission.

One day we'll be in a position to resume Tikkun Olam-ing for others like Izzabeth did for us.

love you baby.

hard times for mahmee, but you'll never know.

times are a tough. im not going to lie.

baby, i wish i could tell you that mahmee was defying the odds.

and that i am giving you the life i want to give you.

but i cant.

i get up and go to work. 40 hours a week.

this month unexpected car expenses had me replacing the tires and the front brakes.

just in time too, with daddy's help, because the snow has started. ill never let safety escape us.

we bundle up indoors, and stay warm cuddled under blankets, not only because mahmee loves to cuddle you, but because baseboard heaters are expensive and are only to be used if we cant keep warm. ill never let you freeze love.

food.

auntie brings up often how we havent had food. its not that i dont want to.

but i make "too much" money for food stamps. even though my last check was $654.00 and our rent is $650.00.

i cant buy all the food we used to, or serve you the meals you get to eat at daddy's.

it was just now when i hovered over the stove cooking bought in bulk pasta in a beaten-to-shit pot that i felt like a statistic.

i felt like proof that single moms have no money.

its true.

we are BROKE.

but there are two words missing.

FOR NOW.

for now we have no food, and will live off of foods from others, some things ill go purchase at winco, leaving the electric bill not to be paid until January.

for now we will cuddle under blankets, eating whats left of crappy pasta or dollar menu items from mcdonalds.

for now we will spend extra nights at daddy's with mahmee because daddy has more food than mahmee, and i likely wont tell daddy thats the case. i can blame it on the snow or the ice, and we'll crash there during mahmees nights.

for now i will have to put off paying Auntie for her day care services.

for now ill have to get my eye exam, but use the same pair of contact lenses that ive worn for 6 months. (these are 3 month disposeables).

ill work extra hard.

because this is just FOR NOW. mahmees checks reflect the previous month of work. so in december, all my hard work for november will pay off.

i sit here, trying to avoid eating the crummy pasta that tastes like dish soap, hoping you taste a wonderous meal of awesomeness. I WILL NOT LET YOU GO HUNGRY.

and i know its just for now.

this wont be forever.

because while we have two 1 income households and mahmee and daddy chose to struggle financially over staying together for the wrong reasons...we have more love than some two income marriages.

we may be a statistic, a number on a page of having a child outside of wedlock. but we have respect and love and a family.

we love you SO much. and Daddy has helped us out so much.

we will make it through and in a few months we will be eating wonderful foods every night.

it'll be the life i want to give you.

and you will only ever know days like these by reading about them...

and im only telling you so you know how much i love you, and how much to love your kids.

but you'll never have any trouble loving.

hot damn im proud of you.

and im proud to be your single broke mahmee.

one day baby.

this love will make us rich.

Bunny.

you LOVE seeing mommy's professional pictures of "bunny". thats his name. Bunny.

the nightly routine is "Triple B" Bunny. Bebo. Blanket.

happy for mommy, Blanket is the one i made for you :]

you love your "bebo" like mahmee did as a baby.

and Bunny is Bunny.

youve LOVED him ever since you saw him at a thrift store while mommy shopped. having not been attached to anything prior to bunny, you knew when you had found your best friend. and now you ask for him daily.

i love you son.

seriously

when youre gone, im happy you are with such a good daddy.

but i miss you.

i miss you making me smile.

you now sing itsy bitsy spider

old macdonald

and "crinkle crinkle liddel stawr"

you are the light of my life.

and ive never been prouder.

miss you!

that basically sums it up.