hard times for mahmee, but you'll never know.

times are a tough. im not going to lie.

baby, i wish i could tell you that mahmee was defying the odds.

and that i am giving you the life i want to give you.

but i cant.

i get up and go to work. 40 hours a week.

this month unexpected car expenses had me replacing the tires and the front brakes.

just in time too, with daddy's help, because the snow has started. ill never let safety escape us.

we bundle up indoors, and stay warm cuddled under blankets, not only because mahmee loves to cuddle you, but because baseboard heaters are expensive and are only to be used if we cant keep warm. ill never let you freeze love.

food.

auntie brings up often how we havent had food. its not that i dont want to.

but i make "too much" money for food stamps. even though my last check was $654.00 and our rent is $650.00.

i cant buy all the food we used to, or serve you the meals you get to eat at daddy's.

it was just now when i hovered over the stove cooking bought in bulk pasta in a beaten-to-shit pot that i felt like a statistic.

i felt like proof that single moms have no money.

its true.

we are BROKE.

but there are two words missing.

FOR NOW.

for now we have no food, and will live off of foods from others, some things ill go purchase at winco, leaving the electric bill not to be paid until January.

for now we will cuddle under blankets, eating whats left of crappy pasta or dollar menu items from mcdonalds.

for now we will spend extra nights at daddy's with mahmee because daddy has more food than mahmee, and i likely wont tell daddy thats the case. i can blame it on the snow or the ice, and we'll crash there during mahmees nights.

for now i will have to put off paying Auntie for her day care services.

for now ill have to get my eye exam, but use the same pair of contact lenses that ive worn for 6 months. (these are 3 month disposeables).

ill work extra hard.

because this is just FOR NOW. mahmees checks reflect the previous month of work. so in december, all my hard work for november will pay off.

i sit here, trying to avoid eating the crummy pasta that tastes like dish soap, hoping you taste a wonderous meal of awesomeness. I WILL NOT LET YOU GO HUNGRY.

and i know its just for now.

this wont be forever.

because while we have two 1 income households and mahmee and daddy chose to struggle financially over staying together for the wrong reasons...we have more love than some two income marriages.

we may be a statistic, a number on a page of having a child outside of wedlock. but we have respect and love and a family.

we love you SO much. and Daddy has helped us out so much.

we will make it through and in a few months we will be eating wonderful foods every night.

it'll be the life i want to give you.

and you will only ever know days like these by reading about them...

and im only telling you so you know how much i love you, and how much to love your kids.

but you'll never have any trouble loving.

hot damn im proud of you.

and im proud to be your single broke mahmee.

one day baby.

this love will make us rich.