Sometimes I can hardly wait until youre older and can tell you my thoughts and feelings in passing like old friends :)
My mind and heart are full yet achy today.
So many things are running through my mind.
firstly,today is Shane's 28th birthday, or it would have been. 7 years he has been gone. It does help a great deal that Maya Narae and he share a special day and a name. I have firmly believed the entire time I was pregnant that Shane was there, helping me, helping Maya. singing her to sleep, watching her grow with a smile.
I cant explain it, but it was just so solid in my mind. Add in that I was having very prominent labor symptoms and contractions for DAYS, yet it all held off until His day, giving myself and his family a reprieve from the pain. it just cant be coincidence.
I think about him so very often. not as much as i used to, but when i do, it feels like yesterday. I can remember the phone call that came at 3am. i checked it, saw it was chad and thought "hmmm, i bet he and shane are drinking tonight" and i ignored it, to call them back in the morning. I regret that to this day, not that it makes any difference. I have learned from this to answer the calls that come in the middle of the night.
I remember the call that came as i got myself ready for work. it was J, his lady, and i just knew. the cobination of a call from Chad and a call from Jess within hours meant something terrible had happened.
when I heard about the accident i just fell down.
the next few days were just a haze. i couldnt function without help. I felt so lonely and so lost. I found comfort in being around his friends but i didnt fit into his group, I found comfort in being around his family. but i felt like my grief was inferior and i feared showing emotion and bringing them down.
as time has marched on i have found a groove. I think of him often, and i miss him, but the tears have been fewer and further between. I tell him things with my heart, sing along to songs, look at old photos. I keep those i love closer, and feel as though my goto defense mechanim is to not be as social as i used to be.
i worry about you both a lot, but i hold onto every opportunity to show you love, and that gives me comfort. you will hopefully never have to doubt my love and affection from daddy or me.
additionally, it seems with the way things are going in my body that its time to wean from our routine.
its very difficult and not ideal, i wish that i could go longer, but i dont have the same abilities to pump 5-8x a day like i did in the first year, nor does Maya need as much milk now that she is a year old and eating other foods and drinking other things. so i have gone down to 2 and will ride it out until my body decides its time to stop. im so grateful for the journey ive had with nursing you both in your different ways. I do mourn from the mistakes i made with julian, and the misfortune ive had with Mayas tongue and lip ties. I learned a lot this time around I didnt know before, and while I wish i knew then what i know now, i still feel very blessed we had what we have had, both of you. :)
I wonder if there will be another in our life, another little, another nursing relationship, another birth and delivery.
i love everything about the beginnings, its such a sweet and platonicly romantic time between a mother and child, and im SO grateful. i will FOREVER thank Him for giving me that opportunity.
i love love love everything about being your mother!
just some random thoughts, i wish i had more time to put them in order but i think its about time for a bike ride and a walk with my littles :) talk soon love!
